Mom

mom

Mother's day is right around the corner and I'm a bit nervous about it, I'll admit it.  I really don't know how I will handle it but I want to share a little bit with you about how I'm handling being a mom right now.

On the day Millie was born my mother gave me a necklace.  She gave my sister, Jennifer, the same necklace when Avett was born.  It is a simple gold necklace with a small gold pendent that has 'mom' engraved on it with a tiny heart pendent.  I put it on the day I gave birth to Millie because having had a C-section I didn't feel like I had "given birth" to her and other than seeing her briefly in the operating room I wouldn't get to see her again until later that evening and wouldn't get to hold her for the first time until the next day.  This simple piece of jewelery made me feel like a mom in moments when it didn't feel as natural as it should have given our uncommon circumstances.

I have worn this necklace every single moment since the day she was born, except on her funeral when I wore the cross necklace that Millie was gifted by her Godmother.  This necklace has been my daily reminder that I am a mother.  It had been my mantra while Millie was alive and has been every day since, when motherhood hasn't felt real anymore.  

About 3 weeks ago, I was changing for work and while I was taking my shirt off I felt a pop and knew instantly that the delicate chain had broken.  My spirit was instantly broken and I began to feel myself getting panicky.  That necklace had become my lifeline to my motherhood and now it was broken.  I was able to keep getting ready for work and get myself out the door on time but the 30 minute drive to work gave me too much time to dwell on my broken heart.  I truly felt like I had lost my baby all over again.  Like someone had ripped my motherhood away from me for real this time.  I was crying during the entire drive and when I finally pulled my car into the parking lot and put it in park the sobs started flowing and wouldn't stop.  I wasn't sure I would be able to get out of the car.  

I was desperate to get it fixed ASAP but actually had a hard time finding the right style chain for what I wanted.  So in the meantime I relied on the other pieces of jewelery that I have received that are my constant reminder of Millie.

My special necklace from Cindy Bollwahn, my sister's MIL

My gorgeous butterfly necklace from my sister, Laura, because Millie is our butterfly

My treasured bracelet that Heath gave me the day our Princess was born. I wear this daily.

My cherished gift from my college girlfriends that I wear daily

It is incredible how much a mother of an angel baby will cling to and cherish her pieces of jewelery and I am no different.  These pieces give me peace and bring a smile to my face every time I wear them, they make me feel whole.  Unfortunately, none of these pieces give me the sense of motherhood that my 'mom' necklace did.  I truly was a different person when I was unable to wear that necklace.

Finally, today I am able to wear it again!!  Our jeweler was able to find the style chain I was looking for and Heath picked it up for me on his day off yesterday!  I feel whole again.  I feel like I am a mom with it on again and my baby is with me when I wear my bracelets.  

I know it may seem silly to put so much emotional worth into simple objects but they are the tangible pieces that put weight on my skin and remind me of my baby girl, the wonderful time we got to spend together and the fact that she made me a mother.

And on a side-note while Coalie and I were on a run today I saw my very first butterfly since Millie has passed away.  Millie is our butterfly because she was cared for in the butterfly unit at Egleston, because of the beauty in the transformation of a caterpillar to a butterfly and because Heath's mawmaw, Alma Millie, comes back to visit his aunt Wanda as a butterfly!!  Today is a great day!