"Do You Have Any Kids?"
The potential of encountering this question has been lingering in the back of my mind for quite some time. It was one of the things that made me so anxious about returning to work and exposing myself to the real world. I know it's inevitable that I will encounter this question often and I have thought about how in the world I go about answering a question like that?
I mean I have had a child but I don't currently have a child to actively parent. I have a daughter in heaven, I don't have any kids on earth. It makes me happy to say her name and good to validate her life but I don't want to make someone uncomfortable, especially a stranger. When I pondered this potential situation I couldn't really bring myself to come up with an answer and thought I would just know what to say when it occurred.
Well yesterday I was finally asked this open-ended question by a new patient. I was caught off guard since our conversation was not headed in this direction. So I gulped my breath hard and paused a little too long as I was quickly searched for my answer to this question. I said, "I had a daughter. She passed away about 1 month ago. I'm still supposed to be on maternity leave" My patient expressed her condolences and that was it but I felt funny about it afterwards. I felt awkward and unhappy with how I had answered. I don't know what specifically bothered me about the way I answered but I guess I have to practice some other, better rehearsed answers. Something that makes me feel like I am doing a better job of honoring her and not feel so guilty about the fact that death makes people uncomfortable.
Millie is always on my mind and I always feel like I have to think two steps ahead to know how answering a certain question might make a conversation turn towards or away from the topic of Millie. I really enjoy talking about her but it's not easy to know how to talk about her around strangers. A situation where I had to decide how to direct a conversation occurred when I helped out my co-worker by treating his patient that had come at the wrong time. This young man is in the military and extremely polite. He asked if I was new since he had never seen me in the clinic before--INSERT PAUSE TO DECIDE HOW TO ANSWER--now I don't want to lie but if I tell the truth it will bring Millie into the conversation. So I told the truth because honesty makes me more comfortable. When I said I had been on maternity leave he responded with a heartfelt "Congratulations" and asked if we had a boy or girl. I said "a girl" and he responded with a big smile and another congratulations and that was it. I thanked him and felt sort of like I was lying by not telling him the whole story but realized there was no reason for him to know the whole story. I do deserve to be congratulated for having had a beautiful daughter. It doesn't matter that shortly after having her I had to let her go. Her life is still worth celebrating. It was still incredibly wonderful to give birth to her and to celebrate her joining this world and joining this family. It felt good in that moment to have a stranger honor her without the obligatory sadness that has always followed lately.
I love how you ended this story. I wish that's how the conversation always went and ended :) If you want my two-cents, I liked when you said "I have a daughter in Heaven". I feel like it's a more uplifting than "I did" or "she passed away" because it makes her feel more present, because she is still present in your heart and on your mind. I feel like it can end with condolences or segway to more conversation if wanted. Or maybe to have pictures nearby and you can share happy memories of you feel comfortable/want to? But that's tough, and I don't know what I would do in your position.
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