Capture Your Grief: Week 3

~Day 15: Wave Of Light~

The Wave of Light is such a special way to create awareness, unity and peace amongst a world of suffering families.  We lit our candles for Millie and her second cousin Cooper.  We prayed for both of them and all the other families that we know personally and those that we don't who are participating in the Wave of Light.  

~Day 16: Relationship~

Have my relationships been affected by the loss of my daughter?  Absolutely.  Almost all of it is for the better.  I have met so many incredible people through this loss and made new and dear friends as a result.  I have connected on a whole new level with acquaintances that learn about my story.   I have experienced unbelievable support from my extended family and my husband's extended family.  No relationship has been more affected though than the relationship between myself and Millie's father.  He is the most important person to me, the one who forever connects me to this most precious baby of ours.  Yet grief is complicated and we don't grieve the same way.  We didn't seek the proper help that we didn't know we needed and unhealthy coping has lead to severe complications in our marriage.  Divorce is already so prevalent in our society and yet it is extremely common after the death of a child.  It turns out ours is just as vulnerable.  We are having to work through the destruction caused by our lack of proper coping and it is the biggest battle we have ever been in.

~Day 17: Gratitude~

Is gratitude really all it's talked up to be when it comes to healing?  I feel like it's a very sad circumstance for anyone who has walked this path and can't find gratitude within this situation.  For me personally, gratitude is a tremendous component to who I am and how I function.  Nothing in this life is promised or guaranteed.  It is pompous and ignorant to believe that I deserve something more or better than anyone else.  It doesn't mean I'm wrong for desiring it but it would be foolish to believe that there is not goodness within every single event that has occurred in my life.  I think you are robbed of so much joy when you can't find the appreciation of goodness within the broken, busted, painful moments in life.  I believe earnestly in Romans 8:28 that God works all things for the good of those who love Him, for those who are called according to his purpose.  I have spent time thanking God for the most painful events in my life because I know that God is like a loving parent guiding me through devastating challenges to help foster my growth and my capabilities for love, kindness and goodness.    At the end of the day, I am still here, I am still living, I still have  a tremendous amount of gifts and responsibilities.  Romans 5:3-4 tells me that we glory in our sufferings because we know that suffering produces perseverance, perseverance, character; and character, hope.  I have HOPE.

~Day 18: Joy~

Feeling joy after loss is the most uncomfortable thing that happens.  It feels so wrong and so unkind to the child we have lost.  It immediately causes guilt and confusion.  How can I possibly be joyful when my heart is full of so much sorrow?  How can I possibly show natural response to existence in this world when my most precious child is no longer present in this world?  But in time you start to evolve and realize that you're not forgetting or ignoring your child by experiencing joy, you're just simply experiencing life, a life where joy and sorrow co-exist.  Where the word bittersweet is applied to all facets of emotions: joyfulsorrow, beautifulbrokeness, emptyfullness, grippingrelief, gloriousgrief, lovinghurts…

~Day 19: Learn~

I have learned that losing my child does not earn me a get-out-of-jail-free pass.  I am not impervious to more devastation.  My life isn't smooth sailing after I've overcome the experience of losing my child. More death will occur, more illnesses will develop, more hearts will break, more unexplainable devastation will overcome me.  Grief has taught me how to be prepared for the unexpected and how to focus on the things that I can control and release the things that I can't.  Grief has also taught me that it will bury you and if you're not careful you will never be able to climb out from under it alone.  When deep hurts and devastation occur I must reach out, I must seek help, counsel and support from others.  I cannot carry these burdens alone.  It is too heavy and too damaging to think that I am capable of overcoming it all by myself.  I am learning to accept help when it comes my way but even more importantly I am learning to ask for help when attempting to carry it alone is crushing me.  

~Day 20: Death~

Death is complicated and scary and unknown and unavoidable.  Death should be something that unites us all, something beautiful and loving.  Death always reminds us of the fragility of our experiences in this world.  It forces us to evaluate what is most important and if I am spending my time wisely.  It is a time to celebrate and encourage and love on each other.  Avoidance and awkwardness only adds to the natural sorrow that one will experience after losing a loved one.  Death can force us to dig deep into our own souls and can reveal a lot about who we are and what we harbor.  It can be a beautiful opportunity to cleanse our souls of the ugliness and brokenness that we've carried around for much too long. If we can be willing to be open to the vulnerability that occurs after death then we can open ourselves to a tremendous amount of love and connection.

~Day 21: Myths~

Grief is not predictable or specified.  Everyone will grieve differently but it is so easy to grieve unhealthily.  A person who is grieving requires the efforts of loved ones around them to step into their hurts and meet them where they are, providing comfort and reflection and compassion.  It requires gentle suggestions to encourage continued emotional movement towards peace.  When a person experiences the loss of a very meaningful person in their life, the grief will never end, the secondary losses will never end, but peace can be accomplished when darkness, negativity and/or avoidance is no longer the overriding factor.  I am not trying to over-simplify it or pretend that darkness, negativity and avoidance are unacceptable responses but they cannot be the place that the person remains in indefinitely.  Lean in and take steps towards providing proactive loving care for someone broken and hurting in grief.   
***As an aside, this is not a reflection of what I experienced on the receiving end but rather a reminder to myself about the ways in which I have failed as a friend to others who are grieving.  I need to continue to remind myself what it's like to grieve, how important those people and moments were in my healing, and that I need to be that person for others*** 

Capture Your Grief: Week 2

~Day 8: Support~
My greatest form of support are the things that bring me into a community of others that have been through a version of my loss.  While I never want anyone to experience what we went through, there is so much comfort in the connection with someone who truly understands.  The depth of heartache, shame, guilt, emptiness is unlike any other loss and it requires a completely different level of empathy over grief.  My personal experiences are most profoundly influenced by my trip to Manitoba, Canada only 4 months after we lost Millie, to gather together with about 20 other young moms who had also been through pregnancy or infant loss.  The first day was intensely emotionally charged and anxious yet comforting and connecting.  We spent a week together and formed the closest bonds with perfect strangers, so much so that these women are still some of my dearest friends who have walked with me through other personal challenges along the way.  I am so grateful for the fact that we are all over the world and yet still connected immediately through technology.  These friends have walked with me during some of the darkest times in my life and even though we are so far apart we have had the pleasure of meeting together again over the years and it has been the most life-giving experiences.

~Day 9: Transformed~

I am not the person I was before I lost my daughter.  I guess in some ways it's the same as being completely transformed when one becomes a parent.  I became a parent and a bereaved parent all at the same time.  The greatest change is that on my daughter's second day of life I was saved.  For her birth, we were gifted a devotional and when I read that day's it broke my heart open to what it means to completely and wholly trust God, especially in the face of something (my daughter's health) that was completely, entirely out of my control.  I knew without a doubt that God would carry her and us through whatever laid ahead.  I never anticipated losing her but God carried me through every bit of that too.  I am now a daughter in Christ and I have been forced to learn what it means to be obedient to God and his desires for my life.  My understanding of God's love for me is so beautifully illustrated in the role I have developed as a mother, the same depths of love and discipline exist and it has transformed so much of my life.  I am now deeply honest, deeply empathetic, deeply committed.  I am strong in a way that is not a reflection of me but of the gift God gives me to endure unimaginable pain and devastation.  It is a strength that defies logic and has carried me through my greatest emotional challenges with my sanity somehow still intact. 

     My treatment style as a physical therapist has changed and I am much more concerned about making sure my patients feel heard and acknowledging the challenges they are facing but focusing on being a source of encouragement no matter whether I can completely fix their physical ailment or not.  I am now someone who leans in when a patient shares the grief that has happened in their life for example over the loss of a loved one, a cancer diagnosis or a mentally ill family member.  Prior to losing Millie I would have moved right past those subjects as if the words never came out of the patient's mouth but now it matters and I care.

     My parenting tactics are so very, very different than I ever anticipated prior to losing Millie.  After losing her, I recognize how much I cannot control and that easing my anxieties by placing Bodey into a bubble of protection will not actually protect him.  I am, therefore, indescribably laid back and difficult to make worry.  

     I am not the girl I was before I had Millie but I wouldn't change it for the world, I am so much more grounded and fulfilled.  I am so much more for so many more.

~Day 10: Love Letter~

Dearest Millie, You are so special.  You define me.  You encourage so many areas in my life.  You are never not with me.  You are the ache that will never leave me.  You are the calm that anchors me to eternal life.  You are love.  You are my greatest gift.  I love you sweet pea.  Love, Mommy

~Day 11: Honor~

Millie is honored on her birthday when we release balloons as a gift for her to see.  We honor Millie by releasing lanterns into the night sky on the anniversary of her passing as a way to show how she is still the light in the darkness of her passing.  We participate in performing an Act of Kindness in her honor every Christmas.  Every Oct 15 we light a candle for her at 7pm to participate in the Wave of Light.  

~Day 12: Just Breathe~

How do I cope when people say the wrong thing? I have always chosen to hear Love instead of hearing the wrong words that are coming out of their mouths.  I assume that they are uncomfortable, unsure of what to say or speaking hurtful words out of a trigger to their own hurts so I choose to hear Love.  I choose to believe that no one intends to be hurtful or hateful and if I can I will engaged them in a conversation that indirectly addresses their unintentional hurtful words.  I have rarely left a conversation outright hurt by the words or actions of another person.  I choose to remain positive and Loving because our culture does not inherently do well with this subject so I choose not to blame an individual but try to focus on changing the conversation to help improve the understanding and encourage empathy.  

~Day 13: Educate~

What I want other people to know about my journey in grief is that everyone dies.  We all know someone who has died, we all know someone who will die, we will all lose a very important person.  Death is inevitable.  It is not predictable.  Watching a loved one pass is beautiful and relieving but nonetheless permanent.  Why are we afraid to come alongside a friend, a loved one, an acquaintance going through the grief of loss?  Do we not know the pain they have suffered?  Are we incapable of imagining what it must be like do to life so completely differently now?  Is it realistic to imagine that life can go back to normal in a set amount of time?  Is the risk of being perceived as awkward so terrifying that we refuse to step-out with a gesture of love towards a friend going through grief?  Why is it so hard for our culture to embrace the beauty, the pain, the joy and the sorrow that occurs during the loss of a loved one?  Why are we afraid of the one thing we are certain we will all face?  I just believe we all have a lot of work to do towards expressing compassion, patience and empathy in the face of another person's experience in grief over death.  

~Day 14: Connect~

I connect with Millie through the simple fact that I am her mother, I carried her in my belly for 37 weeks, I laid on an operating table while she was removed from my belly, I comforted her in the NICU for 2 weeks, held onto her endlessly for the 9 days she spent at home with us  and cradled her lifeless body in my arms for 8 hours before it was time to let her go forever.  She is mine.  She is the gift God entrusted me with and I know that our 37 weeks and 23 days together are just as permanents as decades would have been.  She is ingrained in the very essence of who I am, she is me and I am her.  Her name is permanently etched in my skin, her name adorns the bracelet on my arm, the title 'mom' that I was given when she was born hangs around my neck ever since the day I received that honor.  Her garden flourishes in my backyard.  Her magnolia tree in my front yard is almost 9 feet tall now.  Her brother shares her nursery, rocking chair, crib, blankets and books, car seat and toys.  Her picture hangs throughout my home and is the screen saver on my computers.  I wrap up in her blankets at night.  I feel elevated to her whenever the sky shines pink, when the stars shine extra bright and when a butterfly flutters by.    

It's October (Capture You Grief: Week 1)

which means it is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness month.  Which also means that there are many beautiful ways to bring awareness to the reality that way too many families suffer the tragedy of untimely loss of their dearest little ones.  We are 1 in 4.

This year I'd like to participate in the Capture Your Grief project again.  I am feeling motivated to participate because journaling is cathartic for me but I don't feel like the public eye of social media this time around.  I feel more comfortable with my tiny gathering here at my (lately abandoned) simple blog. 

~October 1st: Sunrise~

I did not pay attention to the sunrise on this day.  I was working because life has moved on.  I spend every week being a mom to Bodey, a wife to Heath and a physical therapist to my patients that need restoration and rehabilitation in their lives.  I am honored to do the work that I do and am grateful that I have such a meaningful place to spend my time during the work week.  So I missed the sunrise and I didn't pay any attention to the start of this meaningful month of awareness until I saw my dear friends posting their awareness pictures.  I was so happy to see friends sharing pictures and words that they have never shared before.  I have never had difficulty writing or sharing my words, it is actually therapy for me and my saving grace after losing Millie.  But it is amazing how it can take some mothers years to work through the words and the courage it takes to share this very personal journey.  I am grateful for these mothers and these friends and the gift of "I know" that we get to share in this otherwise lonely side of motherhood.

~October 2: Purpose~

Why am I participating this year?  Because I need to write, because I need a reason to write, I need a subject to write on and focusing on Millie feels really right, right now.  It has been a long painful 1+ year and I need to work through some of the hurt I've experienced as a result of trying to save a marriage after the loss of our first child and the painful challenges of raising a healthy child after said loss.  I don't know if I will make it through every day of the CYG project and I'm sure I won't be able to share as much detail as exists, so forgive me if I'm elusive in my content, but I know that this story will be written in it's entirety someday.  The story just isn't over yet so it can't be written until then.

~October 3: Essence~
Who is she? What is her name? What is the meaning of her name? Well she is my oldest child, my first born, my only daughter.  She is a special connection to my birth order...an oldest child, an oldest daughter.  She is quiet, content, beautiful, strong, impactful.  She is named Millie Clara after the two strongest women that influenced mine and my husband's lives, our paternal grandmothers.  Millie named after my father-in-law's mother, Alma Millie, and Clara after my father's mother, Shirley Clara.  Her name is incredibly special, especially since she has now spent more time with both of those women than she ever did with us.  I feel comforted that she had this incredible connection to her family the moment she entered heaven's gates.  Her name is forever engraved in my heart and on my arm in the crook of my forearm where she rested her sweet head and I cradled her little bottom as she hugged my chest.  Her name is forever scribed on my arm in the handwriting of the special women she is named after.  My connect to all 3 will never leave me and I am stronger because of them all.

~October 4: Today~
Where is my grief today?  Ugh, I'm triggered and traumatized still.  I am triggered by pregnancy and healthy babies and pain over the shape of my family.  It is not what I want, it is not how it should be.  It is unfair and excruciating.  It is unending and unyielding.  It is reality and unlike anything I've ever known to exist to any other family.  It is lonely and isolating.  It feels like a wilderness and the path to walk in it feels deserted by every single being.  Yet even though there is no person on this path with me, God is.  He leads me, He sustains me in my hurt, He reminds me that I am loved, He reminds me that I am not forgotten, He reminds me that He shares in my pain, He reminds me that I will experience my family in all its' beauty some day.  He reminds to keep leaning into Him and know that He knows me and He will get me there no matter how much it hurts here in the wilderness.

~October 5: Ritual~
I don't have many.  I carry her name on my skin, tattooed for all to see and for the brave to inquire about.  I always honor her place in my family.  I share my testimony about how her presence, her illness and how the possibility of her succumbing to her illness saved me.   I delight in butterflies but don't rely on them.  I visit her grave when I can.  I look forward to people honoring and remembering her at Christmas time with the RACK tradition my sister, Jenny, started.  I love her endlessly.  Her picture is present throughout our home and I catch glimpses of her in the homes of loved ones.  I continue to keep the journal I started for her while I was pregnant with her.  Every spring I plant a flower garden for her.  I watch her magnolia tree grow and blossom in our front yard.  

~October 6: Healing~
Healing is so very, very complicated and influenced by so many different factors.  Factors can include previous experiences with tragedy, coping skills, family and community support, financial freedom or restriction, societal and cultural patterns.  I have been so grateful for so many factors that have influenced my healing in a very positive way.  When I was a preteen I suffered from many challenging feelings and conflicts as my growing awareness of the world around me confused me and overwhelmed me in so many ways.  During that time I found that writing was the outlet that allowed me to release the pent-up negative and anxious feelings that I was experiencing.  It would allow me to review my feelings and establish strategies for overcoming when needed.  This skill absolutely carried me through my periods of grief from the time we learned Millie was sick, through her passing, in the uncomfortable transition to parenthood without a living child, then pregnancy after loss and parenting after loss, as well as the struggles in my marriage and the growth of my faith.  At least 95% of what I write is entirely private but it helps me to organize the jumble in my mind and heart and lay order to it all.  Furthermore, I have been incredibly blessed with the most supportive parents, sisters, in-laws and extended families on both sides.  There was never a single moment where anyone doubted our choices or fought us in our decisions (other than a single incident at the visitation).  We always had watchful, loving eyes and actions surrounding us to make sure we were being taken care of and managing our grief in a healthy way.  The grief of this loss is tremendously lonely and all of the ways in which I have felt connected to others--whether it is family that experienced a version of loss themselves or other parents of loss who know the exact grief to parents of sick children or adults who lost another prominent person in their lives--has been a well-spring for my broken heart.  Compassion and willingness of others to reach in and offer connection has been incredibly helpful.  Furthermore, my faith in God has carried me in ways I never expected because I never knew a relationship with God before Millie.  I now know that He grieves with me, He is not punishing me, He has my daughter in a safe and beautiful place, I will see her again, He has goodness planned for me, He loves me and He cares for me.  Even if I have moments where I feel completely alone in this world and that there is not one single person in this world that will understand how I feel, I know that He does. He comforts me and meets me right where I am and never lets me get close to giving up.

~October 7: Wisdom~
How do you help walk with a loved one that has experienced a loss like this?  Simple...walk with them.  Be there. Lean in.  Ask questions that make you uncomfortable because our culture around grief is awkward and you being uncomfortable does not trump what the parent is going through and will mean so much more to them when you reach through your discomfort to meet them in the middle of their pain and loneliness. Don't pretend you get it or offer grand advise unless you have specifically been through it yourself.  But listen to their heart and hear what it is that they are not saying, reach into that void and grab ahold of the thing they are needing to bring a voice to.  Most likely it is acknowledging their child, their child's name, their child's place in the family and all the millions of ways and times that they will be missed.  Don't ignore the hard stuff, the confusing stuff, the I-have-no-clue stuff and ask honest questions about the things you don't have a clue about. Admit that you are clueless and feel helpless but want to do whatever you can to offer love and companionship.  This will look different for every parent experiencing loss and the type of relationship that you have with that person but dig in on a level that is consistent with your closeness in relationship.  Be as honest as possible but also be prepared to face hurt, pain, rejection, discomfort and awkwardness but know that it will pass and the risk to burning a bridge with this person is much less likely when you lean in rather than if you completely avoid them and/or the subject of their greatest loss.  Don't let them assume the blame or apologize for any awkwardness or discomfort caused, own your motive of love and compassion, especially if it seemed to miss the mark.  When you do this you may not receive positive confirmation about your efforts and you may really wonder if you did the right thing but my wisdom tells me that when the parent is ready they will indeed express their gratitude to you despite however they initially reacted to you.

For example, today my mom, sister and youngest niece went to an event, 800 miles away from me, to honor and remember children lost in pregnancy or as infants.  They did not tell me they were going to this event, they did not ask me if I was okay with it, they did not shy away from awkwardness.  They added her name to the kite that will be flown during the Walk to Remember, they walked with her name tagged to my niece, they took pictures and sent them to me later. They leaned in out of love and compassion to honor their granddaughter and niece, for themselves and for me (and for my husband).  This walk in grief isn't just limited to the parents, it greatly impacts siblings, grandparents and aunts and uncles and cousins that have all lost a bond and relationship that they too anticipated growing into.   So my next bit of wisdom is to extend my previous recommendations out to any relative of a young child lost too soon.  Know that they are grieving too and your loving kindness will mean the world to them as well.