Millie Turns 2
It's a tough concept to grasp. Does she turn 2 or
would she turn 2 if she lived? Either way we of course celebrated the day she
entered this world, the day she physically entered our lives, the day she
made us parents, the day our family grew by 1...
January 27, 2015
I have no mental capacity to grasp how in the world 2 years
have passed since the day I kissed Millie's cheek for the first time but it
obviously has and this time around we have her little brother in tow. We
chose to celebrate the day exactly as we had for her 1st birthday only it was just
our immediate family instead of our extended family and friends like last year.
This did not bother me as I imagined her 2nd birthday in life on earth would
have been relatively similar...smaller and less to-do.
We still purchased her new flowers, brought a happy birthday
sign, brought books to read her and released balloons to the heavens with our
personal messages of love written on them. We told Bodey all about the day his
big sister was born. He enjoyed visiting her.
We ate lunch at Cheaha brewery just as we had the year
before. We got a little cupcake with a birthday candle for Millie and we
sang her happy birthday that night. We also made a donation to a family
whose 5 year old son is in the throws of battling a life-threatening cancer (an army for jackson). He just had major surgery at MD Anderson that week and
we wanted him to know just how much his life and his courage to fight matters
with a gift in memory of Millie.
I have to be honest in saying that this year my grieving
during her 23 days of life has felt so different. I feel buffered from my deep
grief by the distractions of an ever growing and changing little brother Bodey.
However, that distraction also makes me feel guilty to Millie for not
reflecting enough on my memories of her life like I was able to so diligently
last year.
Today is 2 years from the day we took Millie home. She was 2
weeks old. It was a scary but wonderful day. I am able to admit today that my
grief I thought I wasn't experiencing is very much coming through
subconsciously. I am recognizing that I am not myself lately. I am
unable to attend to Bodey as fully. I find myself much more impatient
with him (I rarely feel impatient towards him), I am having more difficulty
responding to his cues and find I am letting him cry longer, not changing his
diaper as frequently as I should, laying in bed with him or just cuddling
instead of getting things done. In general I feel like he is more irritable
than usual. Furthermore, I'm easily foregoing exercise, I am picking battles
with patients at work that I normally wouldn't handle this way, I am
emotionally drained over patients I can't fix. I am very anxious about
Bodey's lack of weight gain. The doctor is in no way concerned because
everything else about him is perfect (which I am extremely grateful for) but I
am feeling guilty that I'm not doing enough for him to improve his weight gain.
I am internalizing blame that I must not be making good enough milk or that I
am eating foods he can't tolerate (despite eating the healthiest diet I have
ever maintained in my life) or I'm not making enough milk (though my supply
shows no signs of lacking). I find that I can't get enough sleep (i am
literally falling asleep behind the wheel while stopped in commuter traffic)
and when I do sleep I'm totally dead to the world (per Heath who claims I
haven't heard him come home from work nor heard the baby crying in the
night). I am feeling like I am in a fog and as I'm reflecting on all the
ways I don't feel like myself lately I can put 2 and 2 together to understand
that this is my subconscious grief manifesting in a very real emotionally and
physically depressed way.
I have sought out the name of a counselor for our type of
situation and just need to pull the trigger on setting something up. We
have not yet attended personal counselling since we lost Millie but it is feeling like 2 years later, we may need
it now.
I am also feeling like I need to find a way to offer my
services to others, either in the form of grief support for child loss and/or
physical therapy treatment to someone in need. God has given me insight
and the ability to provide healing that I know I need to offer to others in
need of these gifts. I am continuing to foster my relationship with God and searching for how He will use me as a steward.
