18 Months Old

July 27, 2016: Today Millie Clara King would be turning 18 months old.  That is a big milestone for a little girl.  She would be accomplishing so much by now--or then again maybe she wouldn't--I mean she was very sick and her brain was very injured after all.

 So in my mind, I don't imagine an 18 month old little girl or mourn for all the things she should be doing right now because it is too much self-torture.  In my mind, I can only picture the infant baby girl who seemed so healthy.  It's not lost on me what that 18 month old girl should be able to do right now but it's just too painful to imagine the specifics and decide just how delayed she would most likely be.

However, there is one specific that I can't avoid thinking about and that's the fact that come Friday morning she will be a big sister!  She is a big sister whether she were here on earth to welcome him home or where she is in heaven helping to guide him safely home to us.  There is comfort in knowing she is watching over us but it still breaks my heart that I will never get to hold my two babies together.  

So here we are on Millie's 18 month birthday and only 2 days away from meetering her baby brother and this morning was my pre-op visit at the hospital in preparation for my c-section.  As a very pregnant lady I of course had to use the bathroom as soon as I got to the hospital.  After washing my hands the smell of the soap immediately brought me back to the moments when I visited Millie in the NICU and had to stop at the wash station before entering the unit.  So many hospital smalls and sounds stir up so many emotions from our time with Millie in the hospitals.

Then it was off to the registration office to hand over all of our information, just like we did for Millie's pre-op visit.  After that we were ushered into the nurses office where a big, black nurse gave both Heath and I a huge hug.  She came in for a hug so quickly that I didn't even see her face so I just assumed she was someone Heath knew from working at the hospital.  But then I heard her accent when she asked if we remember her and that was when I did remember her. She was the OR nurse that helped bring Millie into this world.  A woman that I only met the morning of Millie's delivery but who my doctor relayed to me was heart broken by our loss and was praying for us often.  

Today she was beaming with excitement as she helped prep us for the delivery of our son.  There was comfort in her happiness for us and she helped to put my growing anxieties at ease.  She took my blood work, gave me my pre-op instructions and told us she would be coming in earlier than her normal shift on Friday just to be present when we go for our delivery!!

This is really starting to feel real as the time winds down.  Yesterday was my last day of work so besides the hospital appointment today, I am doing a few chores around the house before our guests (our parents) and our guest-of-honor arrive.  We are actually quite ready for him to come home with us so I am going to try to catch a nap this afternoon.  Besides it is way too dang hot and humid outside for this very pregnant and swollen lady to enjoy the outdoors on this sunshiny day anyways.

And on an important celebratory side note, our niece was born on the morning of Friday, July 22.  She did beat her cousin King to the world but she made it here very healthy, chubby and happy which makes Auntie Lissa very happy.  My sister, Jenny, and brother-in-law, Aaron, have welcomed their sweet second child, their daughter, Haddie Kay Bollwahn, into their family only 1 week before we get to bring our second child into our family.  I am so looking forward to the day when these two cousins get to meet in person and eventually get to grow up together :)

 

Baby's Nursery

Nursery

The nursery design was implemented way back before either baby was born... 

I always knew that I wanted the nursery room to be relatively the same for all of the babies so that as they grew into toddlers and more siblings were expected then the older baby could move into their 'grown-up' room allowing their younger sibling to take up residence in the nursery.  

So when registering for Millie's baby shower I found this adorable Mamas and Papas bear pattern in neutral creams and tans that I just loved.  The sweet teddy bear and lovie that go with this pattern mean so much to me.  Millie was photographed by NILMDTS in this nursery and with these teddies.  Millie was wrapped in the blanket from this pattern and her lovie was placed across her belly in her casket.  Her baby brother also has his own teddy bear, teddy lovie and teddy blanket.

Heath and I had custom pine furniture made for Millie's room including a dresser and bookshelf that we were going to stain and paint ourselves but never got a chance to when we were so busy going to doctor's visits checking on her health every day of her last 7 weeks in utero.  Her room had a crib (that her cousin Avett used while visiting), a changing table, a rocker and a custom painted side table by Gramma Jean.  I really cherish the memories we were able to make in Millie's room while she got to spend her last 9 days at home with us.

Some parents of loss feel the need to change the room entirely. Whether it be to make it unique and special for the new baby or whether they feel the need to move forward from the grief that the room reminds them of.  But for me, knowing that my babies would always share their nursery, we didn't make changes only additions. I really look forward to the memories we will get to make with Millie's little brother in this same room.  To me it will feel more like uniting them rather than causing grief.

To bring the nursery up to speed we stained and painted the dresser and book shelf last summer, we built a ladder to hold baby blankets this spring and we have added more decor all along the way.  I have slowly taken out Millie's things in order to make room for baby boy's stuff, a seriously emotional and daunting process, but there are still a lot of touches of Millie in there.  Some will be impossible for me to take out and many things they will share but I will probably thin out even more of her things as he grows and gathers his own memorabilia.  

Baby Bear's Nursery is ready for him to arrive any time over the next week...

This picture was a gift from Millie's Godmomma for my 1st Mother's Day.  It so perfectly captured how we felt the moment she was delivered and her cry made us feel like she was born healthy.  I imagine the same feeling of joy will come over us when baby boy is born in the next week. The banner of ribbons is part of the decorations used at our little man's baby shower.

The ladder that Daddy built from scrap wood and stained himself to hold all of little baby bear's blankets

 Here is the bookshelf that Daddy stained, painted and distressed last summer...

The top shelf still honor's Millie Clara with her prints, her baptismal certificate, rosary and photos

The second shelf is becoming baby brother's with his baby book, piggy bank and Atlanta Braves gear (to honor the team that brought his parents together)

The changing table held many of Millie's medical supplies and her last outfit.  I was recently able to pack it all up and wash the coverings to be ready for baby brother.

The rocker holds the pillow I was gifted from my friend Tina for my first Mother's Day and it holds the camo deer lovie which was baby boy's very first gift.  His Aunt Laura knew the perfect gift the moment she saw it in a baby boutique.

 The side table my mother painted back in 2014 for her first Grandbaby King's nursery.  It was the gift from gramma at Millie's baby shower.  The radio flyer used to be Heath's when he was a little cub which now holds Millie's stuffed elephant and her Bama football that she will share with little brother...

Momma couldn't resist buying baby bear these adorable wood framed glasses when she stopped into target the other day!!

The dresser that Daddy stained and distressed last summer.  Several drawers hold Millie's memorabilia and her clothes that I hope a little sister will get to wear some day in the future.

The vintage milk crate was a gift from Gramma and Grampa Wiedmeyer which holds both Millie and Baby boy's sweet little toys.

Millie's Wall of prayers and love notes still exists and still gets added to all these months later.  It is a treasure and a memory vessel that I will never be able to paint over.  I'm pretty sure this wall will have to be cut out as is if we ever decide to move.

 Update from recent doctor visit is that baby boy is perfectly comfortable and basically no changes or progress towards delivery are happening at this time.  His c-section is scheduled for Friday 7/29 unless he gets this ball rolling sooner :)

Showering Baby Boy

Showering Baby Boy

 My husband's step-mother and family were unable to throw us the shower they had planned for Millie because once we learned she was sick I didn't want to travel too far and everything was so day-by-day.  So when my mother-in-law told me they would throw a shower for our son I was nervous at first but as soon as we started planning it really helped me to move into the belief that we will bring this baby home.  It also felt really special to honor our son with such a meaningful celebration.  My mother-in-law suggested a family-style shower which is certainly nontraditional but did wonders to ease my anxiety of being the center of attention during an event that could easily turn emotional for me.

May 22 ended up being a gorgeous (hot) day on their back porch with many friends and family joining us in celebration of our growing family. 

We started the day by visiting his big sister

Momma with Grandmas

Yummy treats and gorgeous decor

 

I loved the beautiful gingham decorations with blue glass vases and sweet baby's breath flowers

Our beautiful hosts Mamaw Rita, Aunt Jenine and Aunt Jennifer

Granpa Mark

 

Pawpaw Jerry and Great-Aunt Jane

Spoiled!!!

 

Long time friends

 

Beautiful music from beautiful family with beautiful voices

Sweet cousins inquiring all about baby in belly & particularly intrigued by the poking belly button!!

 

 

 

 Heath and I felt so much love this day and were able to connect with so many family and friends.  

One of the challenges during a pregnancy after loss is being able to balance our emotions and love for both of our babies that we are not holding in our arms.  It is easy to feel guilty when we shift our attention away from Millie and feel like we give our son too much attention but then we feel guilty if we don't honor him or have faith in his survival.  We are so loved as a family of 4 though because my mother-in-law did such an amazing job of incorporating Millie into the shower with butterflies throughout the decor and this special table setting.

 Heath and I have also been extremely blessed with supportive co-workers throughout our journey.  They all express their joy in our growing family and we were blessed enough to be showered by both sets of co-workers.

From my work...

And from Heath's work...

 We feel so incredibly blessed and loved by all who have helped us celebrate our daughter and our son.  We can't thank you all enough but please know how much your support is greatly appreciated