Mom

mom

Mother's day is right around the corner and I'm a bit nervous about it, I'll admit it.  I really don't know how I will handle it but I want to share a little bit with you about how I'm handling being a mom right now.

On the day Millie was born my mother gave me a necklace.  She gave my sister, Jennifer, the same necklace when Avett was born.  It is a simple gold necklace with a small gold pendent that has 'mom' engraved on it with a tiny heart pendent.  I put it on the day I gave birth to Millie because having had a C-section I didn't feel like I had "given birth" to her and other than seeing her briefly in the operating room I wouldn't get to see her again until later that evening and wouldn't get to hold her for the first time until the next day.  This simple piece of jewelery made me feel like a mom in moments when it didn't feel as natural as it should have given our uncommon circumstances.

I have worn this necklace every single moment since the day she was born, except on her funeral when I wore the cross necklace that Millie was gifted by her Godmother.  This necklace has been my daily reminder that I am a mother.  It had been my mantra while Millie was alive and has been every day since, when motherhood hasn't felt real anymore.  

About 3 weeks ago, I was changing for work and while I was taking my shirt off I felt a pop and knew instantly that the delicate chain had broken.  My spirit was instantly broken and I began to feel myself getting panicky.  That necklace had become my lifeline to my motherhood and now it was broken.  I was able to keep getting ready for work and get myself out the door on time but the 30 minute drive to work gave me too much time to dwell on my broken heart.  I truly felt like I had lost my baby all over again.  Like someone had ripped my motherhood away from me for real this time.  I was crying during the entire drive and when I finally pulled my car into the parking lot and put it in park the sobs started flowing and wouldn't stop.  I wasn't sure I would be able to get out of the car.  

I was desperate to get it fixed ASAP but actually had a hard time finding the right style chain for what I wanted.  So in the meantime I relied on the other pieces of jewelery that I have received that are my constant reminder of Millie.

My special necklace from Cindy Bollwahn, my sister's MIL

My gorgeous butterfly necklace from my sister, Laura, because Millie is our butterfly

My treasured bracelet that Heath gave me the day our Princess was born. I wear this daily.

My cherished gift from my college girlfriends that I wear daily

It is incredible how much a mother of an angel baby will cling to and cherish her pieces of jewelery and I am no different.  These pieces give me peace and bring a smile to my face every time I wear them, they make me feel whole.  Unfortunately, none of these pieces give me the sense of motherhood that my 'mom' necklace did.  I truly was a different person when I was unable to wear that necklace.

Finally, today I am able to wear it again!!  Our jeweler was able to find the style chain I was looking for and Heath picked it up for me on his day off yesterday!  I feel whole again.  I feel like I am a mom with it on again and my baby is with me when I wear my bracelets.  

I know it may seem silly to put so much emotional worth into simple objects but they are the tangible pieces that put weight on my skin and remind me of my baby girl, the wonderful time we got to spend together and the fact that she made me a mother.

And on a side-note while Coalie and I were on a run today I saw my very first butterfly since Millie has passed away.  Millie is our butterfly because she was cared for in the butterfly unit at Egleston, because of the beauty in the transformation of a caterpillar to a butterfly and because Heath's mawmaw, Alma Millie, comes back to visit his aunt Wanda as a butterfly!!  Today is a great day!

Spring

spring blooms new life

this weekend is a tough one for me.  two months ago today was the last full day we got to spend with sweet millie clara.  in the early morning hours it will be two months since our baby girl laid in her daddy's arms and passed on to eternal life.  my heart feels heavy and tears are always close to spilling.  tears will stream down my cheeks.  because of this i look for points of joy to help soften the sorrow. 

                     spring blooms new life  

Easter day Heath and I planted a beautiful magnolia tree in our yard.  the magnolia tree is symbolic of wisdom, strength and endurance.  this tree was gifted to us by my Godmother, mary, in honor of millie.  we chose a spot in the front yard along the tree line where we can see it every time we drive up to the house and can spot from all the windows in the front of the house.  

 

Millie's Tree

     

last weekend we spent the day clearing out the flower beds and planting fresh flowers.  we planted new flowers along with the flowers that we received for millie the day she was born, as well as for her funeral.

 we also got a chance to go visit our sweet girl in alabama last weekend.  heath's parents have done a beautiful job making her site look beautiful and we just added a few more touches to let our girl know we are always thinking about her always

 

other ways that heath and i have worked on healing includes attending our first support group this past week.  it was very helpful to hear the others' stories and learn from each other in ways to cope during this challenging time in our lives.

furthermore, i have decided to attend a yoga retreat specifically for mothers of infant loss.  i was introduced on social media to a young lady in canada that lost her first born son last july.  this beautiful woman teaches yoga and has been publicly sharing her healing journey on her instagram account.  in reading her posts i felt like i was reading my own emotions, struggles and joys.  when i learned that she was hosting a retreat in honor of her son, heath and i discussed this opportunity for me.  we both agreed that it would be very beneficial for me spiritually and physically.  this retreat will take place in winnipeg, manitoba, canada june 14-19. i am nervous because i am not the type of person to do something so big by myself but i know that i will gain so much from this experience.  i feel like this is something i have to do.  

in preparation for this retreat, i am increasing my yoga practice which is forcing me to work through physical weaknesses that i mentally struggle to push through.  it's strange how feeling emotionally weak makes it very hard to push through physical weakness.  this realization is something i am carrying over to my career, working more on understanding my patient and their emotional struggles that might be contributing to their physical challenges.  i find myself encouraging and motivating my patients in ways that i never used to do before.

our weather has been very dreary this week, mimicking my emotions, so it is helpful to remind myself of all the beauty that spring has and does bring to our lives.  

xoxo

H&M

Do You Have Any Kids?

"Do You Have Any Kids?"

The potential of encountering this question has been lingering in the back of my mind for quite some time.  It was one of the things that made me so anxious about returning to work and exposing myself to the real world.  I know it's inevitable that I will encounter this question often and I have thought about how in the world I go about answering a question like that? 

I mean I have had a child but I don't currently have a child to actively parent.  I have a daughter in heaven, I don't have any kids on earth.  It makes me happy to say her name and good to validate her life but I don't want to make someone uncomfortable, especially a stranger. When I pondered this potential situation I couldn't really bring myself to come up with an answer and thought I would just know what to say when it occurred.

Well yesterday I was finally asked this open-ended question by a new patient.  I was caught off guard since our conversation was not headed in this direction.  So I gulped my breath hard and paused a little too long as I was quickly searched for my answer to this question. I said, "I had a daughter. She passed away about 1 month ago.  I'm still supposed to be on maternity leave"  My patient expressed her condolences and that was it but I felt funny about it afterwards.  I felt awkward and unhappy with how I had answered.  I don't know what specifically bothered me about the way I answered but I guess I have to practice some other, better rehearsed answers.  Something that makes me feel like I am doing a better job of honoring her and not feel so guilty about the fact that death makes people uncomfortable.  

Millie is always on my mind and I always feel like I have to think two steps ahead to know how answering a certain question might make a conversation turn towards or away from the topic of Millie.  I really enjoy talking about her but it's not easy to know how to talk about her around strangers.  A situation where I had to decide how to direct a conversation occurred when I helped out my co-worker by treating his patient that had come at the wrong time.  This young man is in the military and extremely polite.  He asked if I was new since he had never seen me in the clinic before--INSERT PAUSE TO DECIDE HOW TO ANSWER--now I don't want to lie but if I tell the truth it will bring Millie into the conversation.  So I told the truth because honesty makes me more comfortable.  When I said I had been on maternity leave he responded with a heartfelt "Congratulations" and asked if we had a boy or girl.  I said "a girl" and he responded with a big smile and another congratulations and that was it.  I thanked him and felt sort of like I was lying by not telling him the whole story but realized there was no reason for him to know the whole story.  I do deserve to be congratulated for having had a beautiful daughter.  It doesn't matter that shortly after having her I had to let her go.  Her life is still worth celebrating.  It was still incredibly wonderful to give birth to her and to celebrate her joining this world and joining this family.  It felt good in that moment to have a stranger honor her without the obligatory sadness that has always followed lately. 

Heath's Birthday

Birthdays

Birthdays have suddenly become a lot harder for me to partake in.  I have always enjoyed sending people a little birthday wish on facebook because I know how much it can brighten their special day.  However, since Millie passed I just can't bring myself to send anyone happy wishes on their special day.  Not because I don't care but because I start to think too much about what a birthday really is and it makes my heart heavy.  So if you don't hear those happy wishes from me on your day, know that I am secretly wishing you a happy day but am having trouble expressing it outwardly. 
 

 So March 28 was Heath's birthday.  He didn't express to me whether this would be a tough day or not but I know my birthday will be very tough this year and it's still 8 months away.  We didn't make a big deal out of it (and wouldn't have in general) but we did start the day out with a trip to Cabela's for some doorbuster deals.  After shopping around we got what we came for (a handgun bedside safe) and saved $150. Heath then convinced me to buy my first piece of Camo clothing as a birthday gift to him.  Camo is his favorite color after all :)

We then grabbed brunch at one of our favorite Cajun restaurants, Henry's.  We have never had brunch there before and it was delicious!  It also turned out that they have live bluegrass music playing there on Saturday mornings.  We had been there for awhile, enjoying drinks and appetizer, when the band finally started playing.  The band was set up right in front of our table and they opened with I'll Fly Away.  Heath and I immediately made tear-filled eye-contact.  This was our baby girl letting us know she was present on his special day! I'll Fly Away is the one song that Heath was insistent we play at her funeral.  The band played another song while Heath and I wiped our tear soaked cheeks and continued eating with big smiles on our faces.  Then the band started playing their third song of the set,Amazing Grace, and again tears were streaming down our faces.  This was yet another song played at her funeral.  It was a peaceful morning to know our baby girl was with us.  

Later that evening we had a fun dinner out with our dear friends, Jamie and Devin.  On our drive home we were listening to XM radio and The Dance by Garth Brooks came on.  The car fell silent as this was yet another song from her funeral.  I have not heard one single song from her funeral service until this particular day and I heard 3 of the 5 we chose to have played that day.  While they brought tears to our faces and made us miss our sweet girl, they also brought smiles to our faces and peace to our hearts as we realized she was with us all day long!  I can't speak for Heath but I imagine that those were the most special gifts he received that day.