Honestly, I just haven't had the words. From my birthday on I have been in a bit of an emotional fog. My emotions have felt a bit dulled as I prepared for and ultimately survived the holidays without our daughter and then had to prepare for her One year marks.
Tomorrow was a year since Millie's visitation and Tuesday one year since we had to bury our daughter, the one thing no parent thinks they will ever have to do. Yet somehow today I am starting to feel better now that this particular season of the year is behind us.
True to the road of our heavy grief these holidays and anniversaries were met with such polar and opposing emotions. I would like to start by catching up with Christmas...
This was a Wisconsin year for Christmas. Heath, Coalie and I drove through the night and arrived at my parents' home Christmas Eve morning. We caught a quick nap and then we were off to my cousin Scott's for our traditional Big Wiedmeyer Christmas Eve celebrations. My family has been nothing but empathetic, loving, caring and compassionate throughout our loss and they were true to form as we were greeted throughout the night. Nonetheless, I found myself retreating from interacting and conversing. It was really hard to see all the babies together and gathered around Santa but no Baby's First Christmas for my baby girl. No passing her around and showing her off to family members that would rarely get to see her. No dolling our sweetheart up in the gorgeous red dress from Auntie Laura last Christmas. No pictures with Santa to be cherished forever.
That evening my immediate family gathered at Mom and Dad's to start our family name exchange gift opening as we had many, many gifts to get through and not much time over the next several days. We passed out the gifts and learned who ended up with our name and enjoyed watching each other open fun, thoughtful gifts. We received gifts in honor of Millie including a beautiful memorial story book written by my mother, a memorial book from Laura and a donation to NILMDTS in Millie's honor by Mooey. But the final gift of the night was a gift of RACK from my sister Jenny that she thoughtfully put together starting around my birthday.
Jenny secretly sent emails and messages to family and friends (who she had access to without asking me directly) requesting participation in project RACK (Random Acts of Christmas Kindness) in honor of Millie. While Jenny intended for me to read through each RACK privately, as soon as I read the first one and realized what it was I couldn't stop reading them all. There were almost 50 different RACKs performed in honor of our sweet baby girl this Christmas season. There are truly no words to describe just how meaningful and special this gift is to Heath and I.
~baby food donation/food donations to local Food pantries
~adopting families or children in need, including babies the same age as Millie
~donating cookies to NICU nurses and premie clothes to NICU babies
~money to help a relative whose home burned down
~donating books in Millie's honor
~donating PJs for a 1 year old girl to the Kids Kloset
~donation to support health exams for 12 children and prenatal care throughout pregnancy, life saving medicines and supplies for kids and families in poor countries
~filled a diaper bag with essentials for a new mama in need and brought to a local birthing center
~brought gift cards to local firefighters and police officers
~personally assisted an elderly lady grocery shop
~homemade cookies for the homeless, served at meals for homeless, blankets to homeless
~created a rehab program for an athlete without insurance
~donating breast milk to NICU babies in need
~surprised a foster mom with bags of toys, clothes, etc
~donated teddy bears for first responders to bring to children at an emergency call
~donations to Children's Hospital of WI, Children's Hospital of Atlanta, Caringbridge
~donation to support a Penny the Lab rehab dog, Children's Miracle Network therapy dog program, donation to humane society of WI
~toys for tots
~prepared baskets for families of loss through organization called Halos
~brought items of need to a homeless man who was grieving the loss of his entire family
~donation to First Candle for infant safety and in support of families of infant loss
~hymnal for church in Millie's honor
~a picture of Millie sitting on Santa's lap
I can't even begin to tell you how many little boys and girls received beautiful toys and clothes to brighten their Christmases and their entire year with the loving gifts given in Millie's honor. Gifts that included butterflies and princesses and camo and art supplies and books which were hints specifically of Millie's family. Families that will be able to live like a family should with the basic necessities. All of the little ones who saved and used their own personal money to provide for others in need. The teeny babies that will be clothed so adorably in the NICU. A mother who will start her journey with a diaper bag full of necessities when she needs it most. The donations to Children's hospitals and children's charities so other babies will continue receive the miraculous care that Millie was granted. The many bellies that will be filled because of all of the donations of food and cookies. The homeless who feel the joy of hope during the toughest time of the year. Teddy bears to comfort children when they are frightened and their tiny worlds are turned upside down. The puppies that will bring comfort and joy to others who need it as much as we have needed it. Donations that specifically provide medical care to kids, families and pregnant mothers in poor countries gives us hope in humanity. Breast milk to NICU babies is liquid gold that is more valuable than any amount of money. Donations and personally putting together comfort baskets for families of infant loss is like a giant hug to our hearts. A precious picture of our sweet baby girl getting the chance to have her Baby's First Christmas with Santa.
These RACK gifts were all so very thoughtful...To see the ways in which our daughter has touched the hearts and lives of others. To know how much charity was provided this Christmas that otherwise might not have been. To know that areas meaningful in our journey have been gifted by the charity of our family and friends. To see the love of our family and friends in action. To feel our daughter's spirit alive within the spirit of Christmas.
These are gifts will last in our hearts forever and ever. Thank you.
Heath and I hope that each and every one of you know just how much we treasure this incredibly meaningful gift of love. How unwrapping each of these treasured gifts of love were slowly unwrapping pieces of sorrow and pity that were tied around our hearts this Christmas season until we were simply bursting with pure joy. Millie was ever present on our Baby's First Christmas
xoxo
