Return to Work

Returned to Work

Tuesday marked mine and Heath's first day back to work.  As you know from my previous post I was extremely anxious about returning to work and this so-called normal life I'm supposed to lead.  My time spent at work on Monday made a world of difference to calm my anxieties.

Furthermore, Tuesday started out so well for several reasons but the primary reason was the way my devotional read for that day. 

             March 24: This is a time in your life when you must learn to let go: of loved ones, of possessions, of control.  In order to let go of something that is precious to you, you need to rest in My Presence, where you are complete. Take time to bask in the Light of My Love.  As you relax more and more, your grasping hand gradually opens up, releasing your prized possession into My care.  

                                 You can feel secure, even in the midst of cataclysmic changes, through awareness of My continual Presence.  The One who never leaves you is the same One who never changes: I am the same yesterday, today and forever.  As you release more and more things into My care, remember that I never let go of your hand.  Herein lies your security, which no one and no circumstance can take from you.

 Our devotional has become a beacon in my path to navigating this challenging time in our lives.  This particular devotional spoke directly to me just like different days did while Millie was still here and initially after she passed.  While it feels impossible to just "let go" of my most prized possession, I did feel some comfort in knowing that instead of me taking Millie to daycare for my first day of work she was in the care of our Lord and therefore she was going to be with me the entire day. I was also comforted to be reminded that the Lord knows I am going through "cataclysmic changes" but He has never left my side and that He is the same yesterday, today and forever.  After reading this devotional I felt renewed knowing that my Lord has not let go of my hand, that He was going to guide me through this challenging day and he most certainly did.  

         

I was welcomed back to work by many smiling faces, a beautiful bouquet of purple flowers with a butterfly card, a cup of Starbucks coffee and muffin and my co-workers' offers of assistance.  My day was originally scheduled for 7 evals (which is a lot, extremely mentally challenging and a ton of paperwork) but my first two patients didn't show up.  This allowed me time to chat with my colleagues, catch up on all the gossip I missed, to learn about the new changes and time to just ease into my normal duties.  I ended up treating 4 patients since my last one of the day canceled.  Four patients was a very manageable amount and all of the patients were people in need of my help and it felt good to be able to offer it.  When I left work the sun was shining brightly and the warmth surrounded me to continue to lift my spirit even higher than it already was.  My spirits had continually been lifted throughout the day as I received many calls, texts and facebook messages of encouragement.  My sweet husband even sent me several message to check in on me and make sure I was doing okay!  

 I continue to have to take it one day at a time and sometimes even one moment at a time.  I have been following a beautiful woman on Instagram that lost her first child, her son, last July.  She is extremely inspirational in her journey towards healing and I have found myself relating to her often.  Even though she is a stranger that I do not interact with, it has been so helpful to know that there is at least one other person out there surviving this world as a mother without a baby in her arms.  Today she spoke about the journey of trying to move forward without losing the memories and feeling the challenges of holding on while trying to let go.  Her post allowed me to voice some of my feelings that I hadn't previously known how to put into words.  My response to her was this: I find that this balance of maintaining memory without suffering severe pain is so challenging because of how brief the time with my child actually was.  The love I felt is deeper than anything I have ever imagined but so is the pain.  The time with my baby was so brief that sometimes I feel like I am drowning in pain and it's hard to find the happy memories to grab onto since there are so few.  There seems to be only wisps of happy memories that float around me but the pain of losing her is an anchor that I must drag with me everywhere I go.  With that being said I find that I am still in a place of denial but not in the typical grieving sense.  I am in a place of denying myself the joy of remembering my beautiful baby because it is still so immediately tied to the excruciating pain of losing her.  I am better able to navigate my days by keeping Millie in a place of my mind where I can sense that she is there but doesn't become a full thought for fear that the excruciating pain of missing her will railroad my ability to focus on the happy thoughts.  While it is very challenging to be alone with my thoughts of Millie, I find that talking out loud about her with others is much easier to manage.  I came across this quote and feel that it hits the nail on the head, 

 Just know that if you say something that makes me cry then you probably said the right thing.  If I am crying because I am stuck in my own thoughts then I probably need help coming to the surface because the anchor of pain is pulling me too far down.

.love.