Capture Your Grief

Capture Your Grief

In October 1988, President Ronald Reagan proclaimed October as National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness month.  "When a child loses his parent, they are called an orphan.  When a spouse loses her or his partner, they are called a widow or widower.  When parents lose their child, there isn't a word to describe them.  This month recognizes the loss so many parents experience across the United States and around the world.  It is also meant to inform and provide resources for parents who have children due to miscarriage, ectopic pregnancy, molar pregnancy, stillbirths, birth defects, SIDS and other causes."

There are many events established during October to aid in progressing public awareness of pregnancy and infant loss but also many events to honor those children lost so early in life.  Last year I asked friends and family to help participate in the International Wave of Light which so many of you did and it was so incredibly special.  Last year I tried to privately participate in a journaling program called Capture Your Grief by Carly Marie but I couldn't manage to get through too many of the daily prompts.  This year I was on maternity leave with my rainbow baby during Pregnancy and Infant Loss awareness month and decided I might feel moved to publicly participate in a few prompts from #captureyourgrief but what ended up happening moved me in a way I never expected.  I was able to participate in all 31 days of October because even though I was taking care of a newborn, my second child, Millie's little brother, it helped my heart so much to give space and time to Millie Clara each day. 

Day 1: Sunrise Dedication 

This is today's sunrise from the nursery.  Today I got to see the sunrise from the nursery because last night was Millie's little brother's first night in his crib.  The crib that we bought for his sister.  The crib that has the same sheet on it as it did when his sister was here.  I changed his diaper on the same changing table in front of this window where we used to change his sister's diapers when she was home with us.  I nursed him in the same rocking chair where I used to tube feed his sister.  It is so special to share these places, moments and memories with both of our babies but it still hurts that we can't experience them in these places together.  We feel Millie every where in our home and yet we miss her tremendously in everything we do

Day 2: Who They Are

Millie you are our first born child, our daughter, the one who made us parents.  You are a great-granddaughter, granddaughter, daughter, BIG sister, niece, great-niece and cousin.  But most of all you are loved! This is your wall, the wall in your nursery that your grandma started when we learned you were sick while you were still in my belly.  This wall holds our prayers of hope before your birth, our expressions of joy when you arrived, our sorrows and sadness when we learned you weren't going to get to stay, our excitement when you came home to our house, our messages of love to you in heaven after you passed, our words of thanks for your continued presence in our lives today.  This wall is covered in expressions of love by those who call you family, by so many who continue to celebrate your life every single day.

Day 3: What It Felt Like

 Which part?! There is the ANXIETY I felt waiting behind an OR screen to learn what condition our daughter would be born in or the pure JOY I felt when I heard her first big cry from behind that OR screen and then saw how plump she was.  How about the CALM I felt when I was finally able to lay my hand on my daughter for the first time in 12 hours after she was born.  There was pure FEAR in my husband's eyes when he came back from the NICU and experienced our daughter's first seizure.  There was COMFORT when we arrived at the downtown level 4 NICU at midnight and saw how comfortable they made her condition.  There was GUILT when we walked out of the hospital with empty arms and left our daughter 40 miles away from home because she relief on their machines.  There was an undesirable UNDERSTANDING that the images on the MRI of her brain were very serious. There was ACCEPTANCE that medicine could not save our daughter or prevent her from suffering in the long run.  There was LOVE--so, so much love, it surrounded us everywhere and we poured it over her.  There was COURAGE to take a dying baby home.  There was SUPPORT from so many family and friends, near and far.  There was RELIEF and PAIN simultaneously when she took her final breath.  There was FAITH that God would bring her home to His heavenly paradise and ease all of her pain.  There is LONGING for a life with our daughter that will never be.  There is HOPE in the life of her baby brother.  There is GRATITUDE in God choosing us to be the parents of Millie Clara and Bodey Spencer.

Day 4: Support Circles

Our family and dead friends have been our first and most important support circles because they helped carry us through the biggest tragedy of our lives.  However, it is my #landonlegacy group that has provided me the support that saves my life on a daily basis.  These girls pictured above are ironically people I wish I had never met even though they have become some of my best friends.  We only know each other because we know the pain of burying a child and because we had the courage to seek healing through the retreat @ameliakyoga developed in honor of her son.

We women are in contact on a daily basis.  We celebrate the happy, we calm the anxieties, we reassure the worries, we lift each other up in a companionship that others just can't provide.  We honor our babies.  Our motherhood to our babies in heaven is never forgotten.  Our motherhood to our babies in heaven is never judged, only loved and always celebrates.  

These women have been my lifeline and my dearest companions.  I am so grateful that God paved the way for us to meet after each enduring the unimaginable.  Thank you for being my friend.

Day 5: The Unspoken

  When one of your children is in heaven there is a lot that goes unspoken.  This is particularly true when we meet new people.  These encounters always require decisions about how much to share about a topic that typically makes others so uncomfortable.  What most people might not expect is that a parent of infant loss is constantly deciding how much to leave unspoken.  I find the more empathetic the other person is the less that has to be left unspoken.  Saying my daughter's name continues to be the greatest gift.  Including her in our family of 4 brings comfort to my heart.

Day 6: Empathy

  Prior to becoming a parent my version of empathy looked a whole lot more like sympathy.  I had never known tragedy and could not imagine the road that others walked.  

After losing Millie I felt a significant shift in the way I treated my patients.  As a physical therapist I had always made a point of getting to know my patients but after experiencing unimaginable tragedy I tried to get to know their story too.  I learned that emotional pain contributes to physical pain and while I'm not trained in treating emotional pain, I could at least offer empathy.  In making an effort to understand the road others walk I met a woman who walks 5 miles per day with her 20 year old daughter to literally keep her alive from the tumor that causes her body to forget to beat her heart.  I met a man who almost lost his daughter during the birth of his grandchild.  I met a man who has 3 young children and his wife was undergoing treatment for a rare form of mouth cancer.  I met an elderly man whose wife is recently quadriplegic and requires 24/7 care in their home.  I treat a man who completely lost the function and feeling of his entire right arm impacting every single thing he does on a daily basis.  

While I don't know the pain and challenges these people face specifically, I can at least offer conversation about the day-to-day drain/pain/blessings they experience.  

Every time I get to make a connection like this, it makes me feel that much closer to Millie.  Losing Millie has given me a secondary blessing of being able to walk at least part of the path of tragedy with other through the gift of empathy.

Day 7: Myths

A common myth I had always heard was that the pain of losing a child puts such a strain on a relationship that, statistically, the marriage is likely to fail.

This crossed my mind in the beginning.  I was worried that this was just one of those things that automatically tears a couple apart.  However, I knew in my heart that this was unlikely for us even though we were only married a year and a half when we lost Millie.  I knew it was unlikely because we have always made communication a priority in our relationship.  So while we grieved very differently we didn't put an expectation on the other to understand why we were grieving in our own way.  Instead we talked about how and why we grieved differently.  And we continued talking.  Talking about a lot of heavy, hard stuff.

And as an added boost through our journey with Millie's illnesses and ultimate terminal diagnosis we became so much closer to God as a couple.  We opened up much greater communication about God, to God, about religion and into our hope.  

Now I know child loss is one of the toughest things that a couple can endure and maybe the statistics favor divorce in this situation but ours won't.  Heath is my forever connection to our daughter in heaven, he is my closest link until I can be with her again and that important reason is why he is who I want to be closest to for the rest of my life.  
  
Day 8: Beautiful Mysteries 

We are being punished for our sins.  --He is a loving God. He is not punishing us.

He needed another angel. --God doesn't NEED more angels

This happened for a reason. --There is no reason for an infant child to suffer such a terminal illness

God will reveal why this happened in due time. --This will never make sense

We will never know or understand why Millie got sick, why we didn't get to keep her. --Proverbs 3:5 trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding

But we know He chose us to be her parents --Jeremiah 1:5 before I formed you in the womb I knew you, before you were born I set you apart

And we love Him for choosing us to love her --1 Thessalonians 5:16 Rejoice evermore.  Pray without ceasing.  In every thing give thanks for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus concerning you

Day 9: Surrender & Embrace

     There was a distinct moment when I surrendered to and embraced the reality of our situation.  Millie was diagnosed with an AVM in her brain at 30 weeks gestation.  We knew this would require surgery, we knew she would suffer seizures, we knew there was brain damage.  But there was no way to know how severe these things would be, only time would tell.  While we waited to find out we prayed and we held onto hope that those realities would be the least severe versions.

She has an MRI when she was 4 days old.  When she was 6 days old we met with the neuroradiologist who showed us this image of her brain.  Heath and I have a medical background, we knew the AVM was not what the doctors had originally expected. We knew this was extremely complicated and severe.  The other MRI images showed the extent of damage caused by a stroke she had suffered in addition to the AVM.  We knew those results were really bad too.  We knew what these images meant even if the doctor wasn't able to discuss all of the implications with us.  It was on Millie's 7th day of life that we met with her team of doctors to discuss her plan of care.  Within minutes of starting this meeting we learned that medicine could not cure her.  Heath and I did not have to privately weight our options, in that moment the only option was to provide her compassionate care.  It was in that meeting that we finally surrendered to the reality of our sweet daughter's terminal diagnosis and it was in those same exact moments that we embraced our opportunity to provide her with the most love filled remaining days of her life.  Not one moment was spent feeling sorry for ourselves or fighting for a different reality.  We always embraced being 100% present in the moment with Millie, just enjoying her on each day because God had given us yet another day to be with her.  He gave us 19 more days with her and I am proud to say that each of those days were spent truly enjoying her, not feeling sorry for ourselves or our situation (I knew there would be plenty of time for that later).

Day 10: Symbols & Signs

           "Just when the caterpillar thought the world was over she became a butterfly"

Millie was place in the butterfly area of the NICU because of the hope this phrase instills.  Butterflies are the symbol that my husband's family associate Millie's namesake, her great-grandmother, with so Millie too became associated with this beautiful symbol.  Butterflies have visited us on many occasions but none more deliberately than when we sat on the front porch with her 4 day old brother for the first time!

I now wear butterflies daily and I was wearing this pictured necklace on the day after the 1 year anniversary of Millie's passing.  A few family members had joined Heath and I in Chattanooga for a day of relaxation.  Mom, my sister Laura, and I were boutique shopping when I saw a cute bracelet to buy my friend for watching our dog.  I was showing mom when I glanced over at an area of monogrammed items and was drawn immediately to a little girl's pearl bracelet with this picture pendant on it.  When we looked closer at the pendant we saw it was monogrammed 'mKc' at which point chills were sent right through me.  Mom tried to purchase this item but the owner explained that these were just samples from the monogramming company so we would have to order a custom made item.  Well that just wasn't the same--it had to be that exact pendant so mom convinced them to sell her this pendant we were holding while the three of us fought back tears knowing Millie just wanted to send us a sign to let us know she was definitely with us

Day 11: Creative Heartwork

Writing is my refuge.

I discovered this coping mechanism when I was a teenager and the drama of middle school was stressing me out.  I found I could calm myself if I could sort through my emotions and the best way for me to sort through was to put pen to paper.  Therefore I have filled probably 50 journals over the years.  

Each time I became pregnant I immediately started a journal to my baby.  My journal to Millie continues to remain my most comforting form of communication with her.  My journal to Bodey is where I have started teaching him about his big sister.  

My blog, Living Like Kings, has become my journal to help me sort through all of the emotional challenges and the emotional journey of celebrating the pregnancy to become a family, to preparing to parent a medically complicated child, to caring for a terminally ill infant, to parenting without a child in our presence, to managing a pregnancy after loss and now parenting after loss.

I appreciate that close family and friends read my journal and hopefully can take from it an understanding of the life we lead but mostly I just write this blog to help me master my emotions through the most challenging time in my life (although when you're 13 years old, middle school sure feels like the worst challenge you'll ever face)!

So thank you for letting me share my heartworks through writing, whether it is here in #captureyourgrief, over on Facebook or through my more intimate blog.  I always appreciate your kind words and support through this parenting journey.

Day 12: Lemons & Lemonade

To me this means turning your sourest moment (lemons) into something sweet (lemonade) and to me that is simply impossible in this case.  The pain of losing our daughter cannot just be transformed into the opposite of pain.  But it can coexist.  That is how I find so much to be now...this dichotomy of two opposing feelings occurring simultaneously.  There is great love and great pain.  There is happiness but there is also sadness.  There is great grief but there is calming peace.  There is jealousy and yet gratitude.  There is celebration but typically paired with guilt.  Our life's events are almost always experienced with a little bit of both the lemons and the lemonade.  We accept what we cannot change but we do not stop feeling the impact that our daughter has on our life.  We remember her in everything we do which elicits a multitude of emotions so I choose to accept whatever emotions may come, as simple or as complex as it may be.  I experience them and I keep her close in doing so.  Even though there were days I wished He had, God did not end my life so I must keep living for my daughter.  I try to make the most lemonade as I can with this life I've been given but the lemons are required to tag along.
Day 13: Dear World

Dear World,
Babies die.
It hurts like hell.
Their life is important.
Help us remember them.

Love,
Parents of infant and child loss  
 

Day 14: Beliefs & Spirituality

I was born and baptized Catholic.  I have received my sacraments.  It is Catholic belief that an infant must be baptized as soon as possible because we are all born with a fallen nature and are tainted by original sin.  Through baptism we receive forgiveness of all sin and therefore nothing could impede our entry into the Kingdom of God.  Though my personal Christian faith does not hold this Catholic belief, I knew baptism for my dying daughter would bring my family much needed comfort.  We had her baptized February 4, 2015, the day after we learned her condition was terminal.

We dressed her in the baptismal gown her namesake, her great-grandma Shirley Clara, wore for her baptism over 85 years prior.  The same gown that at least 50 family members were baptized in including myself and my father.

At the time of her baptism the NICU was being shut down for a surgery.  No one could enter or leave the unit but they would get the priest in as he could not postpone the service.  I was devastated since so many family members had traveled to be present and now none would be in the room for her only sacrament.  Then God's work began as family started flowing into the room in groups of 4--the nurses were sneaking every single person in through an employee only entrance. 

The most beautifully painful sacramental service commenced.  I felt God's presence and His comfort deep in my soul and, with or without baptism, I trusted He would bring my daughter unto His Kingdom as Mark 10:14 tells us.

Day 15: Wave of Light

When your child is in heaven there are very few opportunities to outwardly celebrate your child though you are nonetheless so very proud of your child.  October is Pregnancy and Infant Loss awareness month which gives families like ours opportunities to celebrate and honor our children.  We truly value these opportunities and this morning we were able to participate in NILMDTS walk in honor of Millie.  We heard her name, Millie Clara King, read aloud.  We celebrated her with a sign on our walk thanks to all of the donations made to Team Millie Moo.  We released a beautiful butterfly in honor of our sweet girl!  Today we got to celebrate our family of four in such a special way.

Tonight we ask you to join us in continuing to celebrate our daughter by lighting a candle in your time zone and continue to leave it lit for 1 hour to create a Wave of Light around the world to celebrate all babies gone too soon.  We loved seeing all the lit candles last year and if you chose to participate this year please tag us.  Thank you and much love from the Kings

we light our Millie candle in honor of our sweet little love bug. Mills, you are our darling, our angel, our star and our love will find you wherever you are.  You are so dearly missed Millie Moo.

we send our love to all mommas and pappas, dear friends and family that are missing their babies tonight

Day 16: Full Moon Retreat

All it takes is a moment to stop, look around, and take in the wonderment of nature around us to see God at work.

The skies offer peaceful reminders of our daughter whether it is a bursting pink sunrise, a soft pink and blue sunset, our special Millie star sitting in the cradle of Ursa Major or the flow of our spirit moon.  I can't tell you how many wonderful, emotional, heartful, caring and healing conversations have opened up under our wondrous, vast skies these past 21 months.  So much comfort can be had in the shadows of the moon like we experienced as the calendar ticked over early this morning.

Day 17: Sacred Space

This is my sacred space.  The nursery.  The place where my babies have share space.  The place where my memories of my daughter live and remain throughout.  Even as her baby brother grows into this space, she is still here.  This is where I come to be quiet and reflect when it's just needed.  Sometimes with her brother and sometimes without.

Day 18: Healing Therapies

I get why they use dogs in rehab, in tragic situations, for people with PTSD, etc.  Coalie saved me from me.  When my grief was too heavy to move, Coalie comforted me.  When my grief made me feel like less of a mother, Coalie comforted me.  When my grief made me feel anxious to leave the house, Coalie comforted me.  When my grief needed to cry it's way out, Coalie comforted me.  When my grief needed to sweat it's way our, Coalie comforted me.  When my grief needed a reason to smile again, Coalie comforted me.

This precious puppy was born just 5 days before we found out we were pregnant with Millie.  My pragmatic self worried that having a puppy and a baby at the same time was not the best idea but I also knew I was already in love with this puppy and there was no way we weren't keeping her.  Turns out God gave her to use because He knew we were going to need her more than she needed us.  She has single-handedly helped in the healing process for us more than anything could.  Her sweet, compassionate cuddles; her wet, stinky kisses; her excited smile; her bounding energy and her loyal love have been the answer to our broken, grief-striken, empty hearts.

Day 19: Grief Rituals

I don't have rituals.  I felt guilty in the beginning for not having rituals, for not having something I committed to her regularly.  I felt like I had to have a ritual to prove how much she mattered and how much I love her but I know that's not true.  So I do what my heart needs when my heart needs it, no added pressure.
Today is 20 months since Millie passed away.  We didn't do anything specific.  We spent the afternoon in nature on a hike.  Being in nature calms my grief and makes me feel connected to Millie but that's not why we hiked today.  When we hike I often collect fallen leaves/flowers/sticks and create a bouquet to give her on the trail but today I was carrying Bodey in a carrier and it felt too dangerous to bend over to pick items up so I just envisioned the colorful bouquet I would make for her with all the colorful fall foliage.  And that's okay.  

Sometimes we release balloons or lanterns or make prayer flags or medicine bundles.  Sometimes we don't do anything at all.  But what we always do is address our grief.  We acknowledge it and find the proper outlet.  Sometimes it involves a big meaningful gesture like releasing birthday balloon to the heavens and sometimes it's not much, like creating a virtual bouquet in my mind.

Day 20: Gratitude

Gratitude is how I managed my anger about our situation.  Whenever I was upset about a diagnosis or outcome I still felt all the negative emotions that would naturally flood in but then I would quickly try to focus on whatever I could find to be grateful for.  There was always bad news and even when we thought it was really bad the news would get worse.  But instead of focusing on being upset that a life that should be decades and decades long was only 23 days long, I was grateful that she wasn't born still (I know she would have been if we never knew she was sick).  When I was upset that my normal pregnancy and delivery were torn away from us, I became grateful that we knew what was wrong and could choose what was safest for her.  When I was upset that she would have brain damage and seizures, I focused on being grateful that she looked and moved like a normal baby.  
That's just a small sampling of the nearly daily reminders of what could have been worse and how I chose to focus on being grateful for the gifts we have been given, even when it doesn't seem like a gift on the surface.

Everyday my prayers continue to revolve around thanking God for the gifts we have received.

Day 21: Relationships

The first relationship you ever make is with your family.  Growing up the oldest of four sisters I never imagined that they would some day become my best friends but they did (way before Millie was in the picture).  Going through such an immense tragedy my parents and my sisters were right there and they stayed there physically for weeks and emotionally still to this day.  This is why I've always wanted my own big family.  No one can help you enjoy life's highs or pick you up from life's lows like family.  
So will I get to have that big family?  I've lost the relationship I should have had with my daughter, with my oldest.  I'm the oldest, I could have shared so much wisdom from my experiences as the oldest with my oldest.  Bodey is not my oldest, he may take on that role in ways but he is not my oldest.  My mom is the oldest, I am the oldest and my daughter is the oldest.  This is a bond we share but will never get to experience.

I want Bodey to have siblings, yes he has one but she can't be there to experience life's highs and lows with him.  So I pray that we can still give him more siblings because to me the gift of siblings is a lifelong relationship that only your parents can give you. 

Thank you mom & dad for the sacrifices you made to give me the gifts of three sisters--three relationships I could never replace.

Day 22: Words of Wisdom

The definition of Wisdom is knowledge that is gained through having experience in life.  No one wants to be wise in the realm of child loss but thankfully there are some very beautiful mothers of loss that share their hearts on social media.  Comfort and connection occurs when you read the words of your own heart written by another who has walked a mile in your shoes.  Connecting with these mothers provides comfort in knowing you're not alone in this otherwise lonely and taboo world of pregnancy, infant and child loss.  
I am forever grateful to these women that openly offer up the words of their hearts. @bodimachea @obiemama1124 @lexibehrndt @angiesmith19 @thewilltochoose @christinemarie713 @emmahansen @ameliakyoga @carlymariedudley

Day 23: Sounds, Seasons & Scents

  I honestly didn't know what I was going to write about today but then it hit me when I was on my run today.  We have over 20+ miles of trail right out our back door.  There is a 4 mile loop that I love to run right on the other side of that gate.  I ran it up until I was 7 months pregnant with Millie and primarily during the fall.  I loved it and felt so amazed by my body during that time.  After we lost Millie running on this trail was another way for me to find connection with her again.  Today was my first time running this trail since I had Bodey and I was immediately connected with Millie again.  The sounds, the season, the scents all brought me right back to that time 2 years ago when I would connect with my growing baby in my belly. 
So on my run I figured out what to write for today's post and just stepped out on the deck to snap a picture of our backyard that leads to the trail.  The sun was so bright that I just took this photo blindly.  When I pulled up the picture to Instagram this most amazing unfiltered shot is what appeared!!  Sure feels like Millie shining down, doesn't it?!!

Day 24: Consciously Becoming

I am consciously becoming the mother of 2.  Learning how to mother a child that is still living while managing the guilt and grief over the one who isn't.  The past two months have all been new to me but I am consciously becoming a mother who makes a point of being in the moment.  We know how quickly a life that we thought was guaranteed is not; so we go and we do.  We take Bodey on lots of adventures yet I make time to just cuddle him too.  I don't fret the small stuff.  I'm what most people would probably describe as a laid back mom.  But I've been through the worst scenarios as a parent can go through so I don't get worked up too easily this time around.  Is he safe, is he healthy, is he eating, is he peeing, is he pooping, is he sleeping? If the answers are yes then we're good. 
Am I the mom I would have been to Millie? I have no idea but probably not.  Her life would have been very medically involved forcing me to make very serious decisions about all the small stuff.

As the mom to these two I know my focus needs to be on including our daughter and teaching our son about his big sister but without depriving him of a joyous, fulfilling life because of the fear and grief we undoubtedly have.  It's a delicate balance but one that I am ever so consciously aware of managing for the benefit of our children.

Day 25: I AM

 I am a working mom.

 I am a physical therapist.  It is a definition of who I am, not just what I do to earn money.  That's because it is still who I am even when I'm not in the clinic and even if I never get paid for it again.  And for the last 21 months I go by the title of mom.  It's not just a title though, it's who I am even if I don't have my baby here to parent.

But today I returned to the working world as a mom of a living child, one who had to start daycare.  It made me sad but no where near as sad as the day I returned to work 19 months ago when I was a working mom to a baby I didn't get to drop off at daycare.  That day was painful and anxiety ridden as I was reentering a society that has no idea how to manage someone dealing with my level of tragedy and grief.

So today was tough but I've rearranged my work schedule so that I can nurse my son at lunch and pick him up two hours earlier than I used to get off work.  It's important for me to be both mom and physical therapist and this is how I'm doing it and it's good.

Day 26: #whathealsyou

When gifts like this show up at your door.  Gramma Jean decorated and mailed two pumpkins, one for her granddaughter and one for her grandson!!  This is exactly what can give your heart a boost (let's be honest you can never totally heal from something like this).  Having family that acknowledges, celebrates, loves and misses your daughter as much as you do; having friends that treat you like a mother of two, not one; having acquaintances and even perfect strangers that are willing to talk to you about your baby that passed.  These are the things that keep your baby alive in this life you are still living.  Having a community that treats your baby like the important person they are is what helps us heal

Day 27: Family is Forever

This is my forever family.

The four of us.
We are the Heath King family.
We are a family filled with love.
Our family is forever incomplete here on earth.  
We will be complete in eternity.

Day 28: Self Compassion

My self compassion comes from my ability to always include my daughter in our family.  Talking about a dead baby typically makes people pretty uncomfortable and situations turn awkward quickly.  My self compassion occurs when I put aside the risk of awkwardness to be true to who my family is, to who I am, to who Heath is and to who Bodey is.  No amount of awkwardness is too much in comparison to the personal destruction that occurs when I deny or omit my daughter from our family.  Luckily not every encounter is awkward, some are even truly loving and caring which makes my heart grow a little bit more.

Day 29: Give Away Your Love

To give away your love is one of the riskiest things you can do.  If you don't love, you don't get hurt.  So if you choose to give away your love you run the risk of getting your heart broken.  However, when it comes to having babies, I'm not really sure it's a choice.  My heart was committed from the moment we took a test but boy was it ever confirmed in these moments you see pictured.
I gave away all the love I possibly could to my baby girl knowing I would pay the ultimate price.  And even though it was shattered, I'd do it all over again because she is SO worth it. 

So then we chose to do it again.  We chose to give away our love to another baby, despite knowing the absolute risk from experience.  Parenting after loss is so hard because we know just how wide open a heart can break.  We also know that a broken heart can survive and still have capacity to love wholly again. And therefore our baby boy is so worth it all, so worth giving away all of our love again.

Life is better because of Millie
Life is better because of Bodey

Day 30: My Promise to You

My promise to you, my dear Millie, is to always choose love first.  To always try to put good ahead of the bad because why not?!  When no day is guaranteed why not choose love, why not choose good?  You have taught me a much greater capacity for love than I ever knew possible.  This is the gift you gave me so I promise to spread it out wherever I go.  You are forever my daughter, my firstborn, my greatest gift, my unending love
Day 31: Sunset Reflection

Today's blanket warm sun sets over Halloween night.  This was such a painful night last year as I felt trapped by kids and families everywhere reminding me of what I had lost.  Instead of being assaulted by the pain of a ringing doorbell I had chosen to join our friends trick or treating last year.  It wasn't easy but I got through it.  
This year we joined the same group of dear friends on the same route. However, this year we got to celebrate with our son dressed up for his first Halloween and Coalie dressed up in butterfly wings in honor of her little sister, Millie.  It wasn't any easier this year than last but I'm grateful it's different. I'm grateful for tonight's beautiful pink and blue sunset that will always remind me that Millie is near.  I'm grateful for a month of prompted reflection that allowed me to honestly explore what it's like to be the mother of a child in heaven and a child on earth.  Thank you for allowing me to publicly share my heart, my family and my journey this past month.  I may not have responded back much, but know that every one of your likes and comments were absolute music to my ears and beams of love to my heart