Intro to Landon's Legacy Retreat

LANDON'S LEGACY RETREAT

WINNIPEG, MANITOBA, CANADA

JUNE 14-19, 2015

I'm sorry this post is taking so long to write. I've actually been very busy with celebrating Father's Day and then getting ready for our two weeks of guests! 

As I packed and started traveling to Canada, I didn't exactly know what to expect from the retreat but I just put my trust and faith in the fact that it had to help somehow. 

This was only my second time traveling out of the country and I was a bit nervous about it.  Needless-to-say this is how my conversation went at customs (I forgot that they will ask questions):

                     Officer: What brings you to Winnipeg?

                     Me: A Yoga retreat

                     Officer: Where is it located?

                     Me: Ahhh a resort 2 hours away from Winnipeg...like Pine Something Resort   (duh, like he knows all the resorts in Mannitoba)  

                     Officer: How will you get to this resort?

                     Me: A van

                     Officer: Who will drive the van?

                     Me: The leader of the retreat.

                     Officer: Have you met her before?

                     Me: Um online...

                     Officer: Ok you can enter, please be safe while you're here.

Gheez! Who travels to another country with so little information on the top of your head about your travels!! Thank goodness he let me in!  So anyways, upon landing I was greeted by other mothers and then we piled into vans and started on our two hour journey to Whiteshell, Manitoba where the resort was (I finally figured out the city!). We all made light conversation as we got to know each other and put person to story as we have been connecting on Facebook prior to meeting in Canada. 

 

On Sunday evening we arrived at a beautiful log cabin resort set on a lake with stunning sunsets. We were assigned our rooms and roommates, quickly unpacked and then came together for our opening ceremony. We gathered in a circle with mementos of our babies. We were instructed to give our name, location, our babies name and dates and a brief summary of our baby's story. I was about the fifth person to go and had been rehearsing my statement in my mind til my turn but as soon as I opened my mouth the tears took over and I could barely get our names out. That pretty much opened the flood gates for most mamas continuing around the circle and at this time the heavens also opened up with heavy rains and thunder. Our babies were crying with us as we carefully unlocked the gates that have been protecting our hearts throughout our personal journeys of loss. We laid out our mementos and performed an 'elephant walk' where we went around the circle meeting each mama's baby. The tears kept flowing and the heavens kept weeping as we introduced our babies and our stories in this safe and protected place with women that know exactly how our hearts can feel pain, pride, love, anger, joy, faith, fear all at the exact same time and in varying degrees.  

 

As we wrapped up that evening we placed our mementos on an altar in front of a picture window overlooking the lake and the most beautiful sunset. The clouds were clearing to open up room for the setting sun on this incredibly emotion evening just as our nervousness was fading and our hearts were working towards healing.

The following days each began with breakfast followed by a morning yoga session. Each day the yoga was based on a different Chakra that corresponded with our different emotions on this journey of healing. We worked on the Ground/Root Chakra (safety, security, survival, courage), Open/Sacral Chakra (passion, pleasure, sexuality, emotions, intimacy),Empower/Solar Plexus Chakra (self-confidence, self-esteem, personal power), and the Feel/Heart Chakra (love, compassion, joy, connection, kindness).  

Directly after each yoga session with poses based on the Chakra we laid on our mats journaling about different questions that pertained to that Chakra (ie how has your loss affected your sense of safety and security, when and why do you feel guilt, how has your loss affected your self-confidence, how has your loss affected your sense of safety or security). After journaling we paired up and spent one minute starring into the eyes of our partner mama without saying anything or touching each other. This was incredibly emotional--for a relative stranger to stare into your soul and to your heart because they know your heart without knowing your whole story. We then spoke for 5-10 minutes to our partner on the topic we journaled on. As the listener you could not touch, speak or respond during this event. It was so meaningful because as the speaker you just said what was in your heart, not just your mind, and revealed things to yourself that you maybe hadn't realized or admitted before. As the listener it was outrageously difficult to hear and see this mama's emotions without being able to offer comfort or understanding. But this helped open up deeper conversation and connection during our free time. 

I learned about so many mama's stories and the lives of their sweet babies. Some stories were like mine--they knew their baby was sick, they only had days with their living baby, they were first time mamas, they were recent losses, they had c-sections. But there were mamas whose stories were different than mine--their pregnancies were long and healthy, their babies were born still, they didn't get to see their babies move or breathe, they have other children, they are not with the father.  

A group of mamas (photo cred emma vandenbrink)

Either way I connected to them all. It was so, so, so, so, so, so (sooooooooooo) amazing to spend 6 whole days speaking freely about our babies and their stories. Never once feeling awkward and always feeling embraced by love and support. This KNOWING that exists at all times is absolutely the most incredible thing I felt during the retreat. For 6 days I felt like a mother again. I felt like I was actively mothering my daughter all over again by reliving all of my days with her with women that get it.  In the real world I know I am a mother by definition but I don't feel like a mother anymore. I see people with babies and yearn to hold mine again. I go to stores, and exercise, and to restaurants whenever the hell I want because I don't have a baby to be responsible for. I AM NOT MOTHERING. So I don't feel like a mother in the real world.

 I've had unbelievably, incredible, unheard of support from every aspect of my life since we have been on this journey with Millie. I have not had any negative or insensitive experiences from anyone that participates in our lives. We are lucky...I learned that at the retreat. Heath and I are so blessed to have so much undeniable love and support and understanding during a time in our lives that so few can possibly really understand. So thank every one of you for everything you do to remind us that you love us and care. Thank you for putting your uncomfortable feelings aside in order to reach out to us and show us that our family matters. Thank you for continuing to try and for continuing to remember our sweet, precious, beautiful baby girl; our heavenly angel ♡ MCK

My roommate Julia from Austria, living currently in Frankfurt

xoxo