PAL --Pregnancy After Loss

PAL--Pregnancy After Loss

There seems to be terminology for many aspects of parenthood after losing your child and PAL is a major one.  It is a very specific and unique experience that is best managed when surrounding yourself with others who understand from experience or understand by learning from a parent that is experiencing it.

My personal PAL journey has two very specific components: the emotional and the physical differences...

Emotionally we are no longer naive, blissful, healthy adults bringing a baby into this world and then home with us.  We are two healthy adults that have only conceived and brought into this world sick babies.  Sick babies with no given explanation as to why they were sick.  Therefore, I experienced a lot more stress about following all of the rules and doing nothing that could risk harm to my baby but yet trying to remain sensible and sane though it all.  When you're pregnant people will try to reassure you and tell you how they broke the rules and their child turned out fine... "my doctor told me to have 1 drink a week if I needed it, so I did", "I was careful with my first but by my second I ate lunch meat whenever I wanted", "my mom smoked the entire time she was pregnant with me"...  People mean well but that is just not helpful because my babies did get sick and I don't know if it is because of something I did.  The statistics are low but statistics were never in our favor for Millie, so statistics just don't mean crap anymore.  So the first trimester was particularly littered with worries about every little detail of every little thing I did.  Since I can't feel or even really see changes that early I had no reassurance that baby was well.  Therefore I worried that if I exercised too much I would harm baby but if I didn't exercise enough I wouldn't manage well physically through the pregnancy.   I wanted to honor this life inside of me so we shared the news but I couldn't help remaining guarded.  I also continued to find it very difficult to be around other pregnant women and the jealousy that they never experience a PAL pregnancy.

The second trimester was when I started to see my growing bump and get little nudges from baby.  The second trimester was when we learned that the blood work on baby was good and the ultrasounds were showing healthy development.  These factors helped but they never eased my worries entirely.  What did help was learning that we were having a boy, starting to receive gifts for Millie's little brother and agreeing to celebrate his life with a baby shower.  These factors helped me shift my point-of-view towards actually bringing a baby home with us to stay.  My fears were less and my hope was stronger.  I honestly started to feel faith that he was doing just fine and would definitely be joining our family.  By the time we reached the 28 week ultrasound (the one where we learned Millie was sick) I already knew in my heart that he wasn't sick.  My instincts were right, his ultrasound scan was perfect.  

The third trimester has been both up and down. Celebrating our baby boy with three separate showers brings us joy and comfort to see how loved he is.  Organizing his many gifts gives me something very positive to do and makes me feel reassured in imagining him joining our family.  I am also growing bigger and feeling him move so much which is great relief and helps make me feel excited to hold him in my arms.   But being bigger automatically draws a lot more questions about my family.  I have decided that I will never deny Millie's place in our family so whenever I get asked if this is my first I always answer "no our second".  This answer often results in follow-up statements or questions like "so you're an old pro" or "great you have one of each now".  I then feel the need to explain our situation.  I'm so matter-of-fact about it now after having to have these conversations at least a dozen times a week that I start to feel guilty about my seemingly emotionless management of our situation but this is our reality and the type of questions I will continue to get for the rest of our lives.  I suppose I could just pretend he is our first to eliminate the follow-up questions/responses but I just can't.   I've also learned that as I get bigger everyone is an expert in delivering babies and is certain I am delivering any minute despite the fact that I'm only 35-36 weeks along.  I know their comments are harmless but as a parent who has been through loss, delivering a child early is a frightening concept and one I do not want to consider.  Having your child taken from you via c-section, being unable to hold your child for over 24 hours and having to visit your child for only short periods of time in the NICU is not something I wish to relive, if at all possible, so having a child 4 or 5 weeks early is not something I am hoping for.  I try not to get offended by any one single person, as I know no one means harm by what they say, but the combination of many comments every week can start to wear on a person that is just trying to carry a healthy baby to full-term and deliver a baby safely so that he may survive.  

As we approach delivery we have had very serious decisions to make about how we will deliver.  I feel so strongly about having a natural, unmedicated delivery but it is just not possible for a VBAC (vaginal birth after c-section) and I would be required to have the epidural very early on.  This strategy makes me very nervous about the baby's health, my health and my emotional well-being so we have opted to go with another c-section.  Heath is more at ease with this option and overall it feels safest for baby which is the most important factor.  So I have dealt with the secondary loss of ever delivering my babies vaginally because we originally chose to keep Millie safe through c-section.  I am totally okay with this plan now but originally this was an extremely emotional loss for me.  It makes me feel like less of a mother having absolutely nothing to do with the action of bringing my babies into this world. 

As we enter the last month of pregnancy with less than 3 weeks to go I am finding myself becoming very anxious and nervous.  We have officially been discharged by the high risk doctor because our baby boy has looked perfect on every ultrasound, including his 36 week one.  This is relieving but this is so different.  With Millie we were checked almost every single day until one day we were finally told that it was time to deliver.  With this baby we are just waiting for nature to take it's course or July 29th to arrive, whichever comes first.  I am emotional knowing that we are about to enter the stages of Millie's life that are my only memories of her and they are going to be written so differently for this little guy.  I am so comforted and blessed to know he is healthy but I am nervous about getting to bring a baby home and do the normal 'caring for a baby' stuff.  I am fearful of an emotional breakdown and feeling the loss of Millie all over again with everything we didn't get to have with her.  Physically I hurt so much more with this baby than I ever did with Millie.  I didn't have any real pain with Millie but with our son I have felt pain in my hips, feet and hands from my ever loose ligaments, I have much worse varicose veins and recently increased swelling in my hands and feet.  The swelling in my hands has gotten so severe this past week that it is causing carpal tunnel syndrome and very stiff joints which is actually impacting my ability to sleep and even worse impacting my ability to do my job.  It is hard for me to accept that I am physically not as strong as I was with Millie but I know that is to be expected having babies only 18 months apart.  

So while the house is prepped for a baby to join our family, my mind is not entirely there yet.  I can't seem to pack my hospital bag or plan how I want Millie present with us at the hospital or how I want to handle visitors.  I also cannot commit to a name yet.  This bothers me because I feel like his name should be obvious but I'm just plain unable to commit.  I guess I have to meet him to know.   But coming towards the end of our PAL journey I am comforted by the beautiful babies I see my friends parent after the loss of their child.  It also helps to walk this pregnancy step-in-step with my sister, Jenny, who is expecting my niece July 23rd.  I am excited for these cousins to be born so close together.  My nephew, Avett, will always have a special bond with his cousin, Millie, and now these two cousins will have a special bond being born so close together :)

Butterfly Garden

butterfly garden

 

I'm not much of a gardener but I've always enjoyed looking at beautiful flowers.  Moving to Georgia opened my eyes to a whole new world of gorgeous gardens (and a whole lot of pollen).

 

When we moved into our home the landscaping was only so-so and the backyard had this 300 square foot hill of weeds.  I've always had big dreams of making a garden out of it and since Millie passed a butterfly garden in her honor felt so perfect.  Only it's a big chunk of space and A LOT of weeds and therefore a task I could not tackle alone.  

 

I happened to be home in Wisconsin for Mother's Day and my mom gifted me her skills of planting flower pots for me when she came to visit in a few weeks.

 

So when she got to GA we picked out flowers together and she arranged the most beautiful pots for me!

And since gardening is a passion of my mother's she designed and implemented the plan to fix the backyard weedy mess!!

 

It took all of a Saturday and all hands on deck but the transformation was incredible!!

 

THE WEEDY BEFORE...

TILLING UP THE LAND...

PLANTING AND TRANSFERRING...

(hard working puppy taking a much needed break)...

ALL PLANTS IN PLACE...

LAYING WEED BARRIER & MULCH...

FINAL PRODUCT...

I am head over heels in love with the beautiful transformation that was the weedy hill of our backyard.  I am so thankful for my Mom, Dad and husband for helping to make this space into something so special.  Mom says it's Millie's butterfly garden but baby brother's garden too since he was in my belly while we made it!

Bonus flower...

We received many beautiful flowers and plants for Millie's funeral last year and I did my very best to plant as many as I could outdoors, not really knowing if any were meant for the outdoors and/or if any would return again.  

Well early this spring, as I was planting bulbs, I ran into one of those plant bulbs I had planted last spring.  Within a few weeks this little beauty sprouted...

The most special thing is that we never received any pink lilies for Millie's funeral, only white ones.  It seems this once white lily turned pink in honor of our sweet baby girl in heaven!

Millie's Great Aunt

Ann Kimberle(Guadagni)Lindner

My sweet Aunt Ann is my mother's youngest sibling and one of Millie's many adoring fans.  I have been so blessed throughout my entire life to have 2 aunts and 1 uncle on my mom's side and 3 aunts and 2 uncles on my dad's side who have all been closely involved in my entire life.  These are the family members that were given full permission to discipline me at their own discretion exactly as they felt my parents would.  Because of this type of relationship, as well as spending tons of time together growing up, are the reasons why I am so close with my extended family.

When my family back home in Wisconsin learned about Millie's illnesses they started an email and phone chain to stay updated on her prenatal condition, they all celebrated endlessly when Millie entered this world breathing and wiggling on her own and they showered us with love when they learned the news of the seriousness of her condition at 1 week old. 

All the while during our time in the hospital and NICUs my aunt Ann was learning of her own serious condition.  Severe back pain lead her to the doctor where testing revealed that she had a very serious, stage 4 cancer diagnosis.  She informed the Guadagni clan but asked that everyone wait to inform the Wiedmeyers as we were dealing with Millie's fatal diagnosis.  Her sweet soul was trying to protect us from more heartbreaking news but we did end up learning the information and immediately began our supportive journey with her as well.

My Aunt Ann is a young mother of two boys, married to the love of her life for close to 30 years!  She has always been a quiet, gentle soul yet she has always been determined and chased her dreams as well.  She is a deep lover of nature and followed her dreams of getting her college degree.  Her and I were in college classes at the same time and we would often chat just like college girlfriends do about tests and studies.  However, she was a young mother going back to school and working 10x harder than I was as a single, young girl out on her own for the first time.  She followed her dreams by taking courses that lead her to Europe to study but meant she would be away from her boys for an extended period.  She often traveled out west to enjoy the peaceful, open landscape.  She made a point of enjoying the land all around her, as well as her joy for animals with her pet dogs and her beautiful horse, India.  Her family has always been so important to her, she has supported me through every single milestone in my life from my catholic sacraments to graduations and even joining the girls for a night out on the town for my bachelorette party!

She loved Millie dearly, even though she never got to meet her in person, and I was lucky enough to spend time with her last summer when Heath and I were home in Wisconsin for vacation.  I brought a huge stack of pictures of Millie for the family members to look through and take as they pleased.  Aunt Ann was so truly in love with my baby girl and took about half the stack home with her :)

 At that time she gifted me a beautiful butterfly wind chime that has three color stones on it, a pink one for Millie and 2 blue ones which Aunt Ann predicted are Millie's brothers.  So far she is right on track!  

Being so far from home makes it extra difficult during times like this since I can't just hop in the car to go spend time with my aunt so I was very grateful for this chance to be together.  She was clearly very sick but she was also fighting very hard against this cancer that did not have a cure.  She was involved in many clinical trials, ones that forced her to travel far from home.  I learned from her priest at her funeral that she was praying for more time and more time is exactly what she got.  We were all so blessed to be able to spend Christmas together even though she was not feeling the best.  It was the first time our entire family has been together for Christmas in probably decades.  It was then that we announced that we were expecting a sibling for Millie and I was so happy to be able to share this joyful news with her.

As gut-wrenching as it has been to see my aunt so sick with such a terrible illness and to watch my mother and relatives care for her with pain in their eyes, I was blessed by Millie to be able to share some of the gifts of God's comfort that I have learned along the way.  Through my epiphany of faith that Millie and her condition brought me I was able to share with my aunt Ann the trust in God that I have been comforted by.  I know she too found this trust in God, had her prayers answered and is in eternal peace.

While I don't wish this terrible illness on anyone my aunt was given the gift of insight, a little glimpse into the limited future that awaited her.  Although majority of her time was spent waging war against cancer she also got to spend valuable time connecting with family, her horse, her work, nature and her God.  She was able to spend her last moments on earth surrounded by the ones she loves dearest.  And in her last week on earth, I wrote her a letter letting her know that Millie would be there to greet her in heaven.  While my aunt is terribly missed here on earth, none more than by her husband and two sons (13 and 15 years old), but it brings me peace to know that my sweet, gentle, loving aunt will be there in heaven to help me mother my daughter until I can get there.

My aunt has always felt that found pennies are a sign from heaven.  While I have never connected to this sign, I had spent many moments speaking to Millie during the week prior to my aunt's passing.  I asked Millie to welcome her and allow her to mother her for me in joyful companionship.  Two nights before my aunt passed I was hanging outside our home tossing frisbee with Coalie while Heath worked on the lawnmower.  It was late and pitch black out but as I went to pick-up the frisbee from the ground there was a penny sitting in the middle of our driveway.  I looked up to the sky where Millie's star is and thanked her for hearing my prayers.

Millie's A BIG Sister

Millie Is a BIG Sister

Through connecting with other mothers of infant loss I have learned that I am not the only mother that desperately wanted to become pregnant again as soon as possible after the loss of a child.  I found this to be especially true for families that lost their first and only child.  This desire to get pregnant right away might be misconstrued  as a desire to replace the child that was lost but that is in no way, ever, EVER true.  In the wake of losing our daughter, what I needed was to feel connected to motherhood again.  I needed to know that we would be able to parent living children and fulfill our new rolls as parents.  I needed to feel purpose in our lives as parents.  

Because of my C-section, my doctor had us wait 9 months before trying again to ensure mine and the baby's safety and health.  While I hated waiting it was a blessing in disguise because I needed that time to grieve and deep down my heart knew being forced to wait was what was best for us.  Even during our immense grief I always believed in my heart that we would become parents to living children.  In many ways I need the opportunity of parenting to help keep Millie's memory alive.  I need to be able to share her memories with her siblings, to have a reason to incorporate her in the growth of our children, to always be able to include her in our lives.

We were finally able to start trying and I knew not to expect pregnancy immediately but I was hopeful nonetheless.  My body felt built for pregnancy and carried Millie so well, even though she was so sick.  In the past we have become pregnant rather easily so I was feeling quite optimistic.  And each month I would be extra careful to avoid alcohol, caffeine, cold cuts and chemicals during ovulation periods in a desperate attempt to prevent the same thing from happening to our next baby that happened to Millie.  But then my period would come and I would have to face another month of trying again.  We decided to try an ovulation kit just to make sure my body had resumed normal function after pregnancy and to get a better idea of timing.  Turns out the ovulation kit made me so anxious about testing every morning and so worried that I wasn't ovulating that I barely got any sleep at all that month.  Once it confirmed that I was ovulating I refused to use it again because of the undue anxiety it caused me.   So the ovulation kit did not help us get pregnant that month either.  

My emotions started getting the better of me when I had to make choices about my healthcare for the following year.  Because of an impending employer change mid-2016, I was unsure of how to go about making my choices.  My company's premiums were going up but at the rate we were going with not getting pregnant it would be impossible for me to be 9 months pregnant with this current employer.  So without knowing what type of insurance my new employer would offer, I felt my safest bet was to join Obamacare at a very expensive rate.  I chose to do this in order to ensure that my prenatal care would consistently be managed by the OB and MFM that I had with Millie, as well as the delivery.  I needed to ensure that doctors familiar with our situation would be taking care of us in the future.  

But in this process of choosing very expensive healthcare I became overwhelmed that all of this cost and worry would be for naught if we never get pregnant again.  I also got overwhelmed that if 2016 proved that we couldn't get pregnant again (it does happen to parents of living and passed children) and required further intervention that my new Obamacare would not cover such services.  My anxiety about our situation and many possible future situations was getting out of control.  So after trying to manage a depressing 33rd birthday without my daughter and without a hopeful pregnancy and with these crazy insurance decisions to be made I reached out to my OB for reassurance.  After a few questions about what we have tried thus far she told me to come in to her office for testing on the third day of my next cycle.  This third day was likely going to fall over the Thanksgiving holiday weekend and make it very difficult for us to accurately test me but we agreed to do the best we could with whatever day it ended up being.  So as we moved into Thanksgiving weekend my period was not coming as expected even though I could feel all the signs of an impending period.  Because I wanted to partake in drinking some alcohol that night I decided to take a pregnancy test first just to ease my worrisome guilt. (Mind you I had taken a pregnancy test a few days earlier that was negative).  When I came downstairs to show Heath the test he said, "it's okay honey, we'll just keep trying.  It will happen for us."  I said "look again daddy."  Heath had gotten so used to my disappointment with negative pregnancy tests that he apparently was already prepping to console me which lead his heart to be tricked.  But low and behold, I was holding a positive test!  

We were of course nervous and I immediately worried about all of the things I may have eaten or drank while unaware of this pregnancy but Heath reassured me that I have been extra careful.  So we had to wait until after Christmas for our confirmation ultrasound but we decided that there was no point in waiting to celebrate this little life growing inside of me.  We surprised each of our parents with a blanket of Millie pictures followed by a picture frame of Millie containing a special message.

 To say our families were surprised and overwhelmed with love is an understatement.  It was a bright moment in an otherwise challenging holiday season.  Our confirmation ultrasound went well and from there our future ultrasounds would occur at the high risk doctor's office (the MFM).  So our next ultrasound was scheduled for 2 days before Millie's first birthday.  As if emotions weren't running high already, I was also dealing with extreme anxiety that we would learn bad news during that same week that we were celebrating our daughter's first birthday without her.  It was at the 12 week ultrasound that we learned that our very first baby was sick so as my anxiety heightened I turned to God in prayer and asked Him to comfort us with whatever news we learned and to prepare us to care for our child no matter what the ultrasound says.  This helped curb my extreme emotions some but it wasn't until we got a good report and got to see the little heart flutter that I started to really feel hope seep in.  Heath felt reassurance and hope immediately in the little ultrasound room but it took my heart a bit longer to feel at ease.  After that appointment we started sharing our news more openly and worked on our social media announcement.  

Heath has always loved the shoe baby announcements, so I decided that we had the perfect plan.  We already had little cowboy boots purchased for Millie while we were pregnant with her so her little sibling was going to get their first hand-me-down! Plus we had the sweetest picture of Millie's feet from her NILMDTS professional photo shoot.  There was no way Big Sister was not going to be incorporated in our announcement!  Also at this time we had received the advanced blood work results that told us that this baby was unlikely to have any serious genetic or chromosomal disorders.  This test also revealed gender.  I had always wanted gender to be a surprise at birth.  We had tried with Millie but when we learned she was sick we decided we had bigger fish to fry and needed to know gender to better assess her health outcomes and to name our baby.  I would have loved to have kept gender a surprise again but knew my heart needed time to adjust to whatever sex this baby would be.  

We were suspecting a boy given our ultrasound tech's guess and the blood work confirmed it!  We spent an afternoon with my sister, Laura and Woody taking amazing photos for our announcement.  We just love how they turned out and how special it is to have our entire family of 4 (plus puppy girl) together as best we can in this picture.

 Since then we have had 3 more monthly ultrasounds.  At 17 weeks we had the anatomy scan which looked great but was a little early to feel completely relieved.  We had another anatomy scan at 21 weeks which also looked good but Millie's looked good at this point too so it was not entirely reassuring.  

3D image of baby bear, he is signing I Love You to us <3

Yesterday we had our 26 week ultrasound and I was not too terribly nervous going into it even though I knew this one would reveal his heart, brain and blood flow condition.  All three areas looked perfect! As well as everything else that can be checked at this point.  After this visit, the comfort and peace I immediately felt made me realize that my heart had already turned the corner to believing that he will get to come home with us and grow up with us.  Somewhere between the 21 week and 26 week ultrasounds I started working through the emotions of preparing for his arrival.  My husband's dad and step-mother want to throw a shower for our little man. So in helping my mother-in-law make invites and in planning a registry it began the process to allowing my heart to open up to the idea of bringing him home healthy.  In feeling him move around regularly now my heart has furthered felt reassured that we will hold him, kiss him, love him, raise him and tell him all about his big sister in heaven.

I love feeling a little life inside of me again and believing that God is building our family.  Now our next task is coming up with a name for our little baby bear.  We really cannot come up with anything that feels right, and who knows, maybe we will have to meet him before his name comes to us. 

WEEK 26 WITH BABY BEAR

Once again we thank you from the bottom of our hearts for showering us with love, prayers and belief in the future of our family 

Millie's Angelversary

February 19, 2016

One year since we watched our baby girl take her last fighting breath while cuddled in her daddy's arms.

There are no words to describe what this day feels like.  I spent 23 days from January 27 to February 19 reliving every moment that I could possibly remember with her.  There were very happy, very sad and very normal moments to be relived.  These brought me happiness, deep sorrow, pure joy and lots of love.  I took time off work to grieve when I needed it and spent many moments reliving memories with Heath.  I also found a local support group that was started by another mom of infant loss looking to connect with other local mothers of loss which is a perfect fit for me.  These women are quickly becoming my newest friends as we share something that no other friend can truly comprehend. 

Again I could feel myself dulling my emotions as Feb 19 approached but it helped to have my parents, Laura and Woody back in town to help us take our mind off the sorrow and celebrate being together. We spent the day in Alabama with Heath's dad and step-mom.  The boys played golf in the morning, we visited Millie as the sun set over her resting place, we had a dinner feast together and then released lanterns to the heaven for her.  It was a peaceful and perfect day spent together remembering our perfect little angel!

 We love you and miss you every single day sweet millie clara

Millie's 1st Birthday

Millie's 1st Birthday

January 27, 2016 our baby girl turned 1 years old. 

ONE YEAR...

one year that we have survived without our daughter

one year of heartache

one year of unending love

one year of grateful moments

one year of memories

one year of sorrowful moments

A first birthday means planning a party, shopping for an adorable birthday onesie with baby girl tutu and ordering a smash cake and balloons.

The only thing this momma got to do on that list was order balloons, balloons that would be released to the heavens for our daughter to see our celebration.

We were incredibly blessed to have so many family and friends travel from all over to join us at Millie's resting place in Alabama to celebrate the day this beautiful baby girl entered the world crying and breathing on her own, showing her amazing strength.

I didn't feel so strong that day but being surrounded by so many loving family members and friends helped to carry me through.

We wrote our messages of love to Millie on her balloons and then released them into the dreary sky on the day she was born 1 year later...

 

We completed our celebration with lunch at a local brewery and then cake at home.  Our hearts were filled with joy to be able to gather together in honor and memory of the day our beautiful baby girl made us parents and joined our family forever.

Happiest 1st Birthday Millie Moo 
Mommy & Daddy love you forever and ever