Baby's Nursery

Nursery

The nursery design was implemented way back before either baby was born... 

I always knew that I wanted the nursery room to be relatively the same for all of the babies so that as they grew into toddlers and more siblings were expected then the older baby could move into their 'grown-up' room allowing their younger sibling to take up residence in the nursery.  

So when registering for Millie's baby shower I found this adorable Mamas and Papas bear pattern in neutral creams and tans that I just loved.  The sweet teddy bear and lovie that go with this pattern mean so much to me.  Millie was photographed by NILMDTS in this nursery and with these teddies.  Millie was wrapped in the blanket from this pattern and her lovie was placed across her belly in her casket.  Her baby brother also has his own teddy bear, teddy lovie and teddy blanket.

Heath and I had custom pine furniture made for Millie's room including a dresser and bookshelf that we were going to stain and paint ourselves but never got a chance to when we were so busy going to doctor's visits checking on her health every day of her last 7 weeks in utero.  Her room had a crib (that her cousin Avett used while visiting), a changing table, a rocker and a custom painted side table by Gramma Jean.  I really cherish the memories we were able to make in Millie's room while she got to spend her last 9 days at home with us.

Some parents of loss feel the need to change the room entirely. Whether it be to make it unique and special for the new baby or whether they feel the need to move forward from the grief that the room reminds them of.  But for me, knowing that my babies would always share their nursery, we didn't make changes only additions. I really look forward to the memories we will get to make with Millie's little brother in this same room.  To me it will feel more like uniting them rather than causing grief.

To bring the nursery up to speed we stained and painted the dresser and book shelf last summer, we built a ladder to hold baby blankets this spring and we have added more decor all along the way.  I have slowly taken out Millie's things in order to make room for baby boy's stuff, a seriously emotional and daunting process, but there are still a lot of touches of Millie in there.  Some will be impossible for me to take out and many things they will share but I will probably thin out even more of her things as he grows and gathers his own memorabilia.  

Baby Bear's Nursery is ready for him to arrive any time over the next week...

This picture was a gift from Millie's Godmomma for my 1st Mother's Day.  It so perfectly captured how we felt the moment she was delivered and her cry made us feel like she was born healthy.  I imagine the same feeling of joy will come over us when baby boy is born in the next week. The banner of ribbons is part of the decorations used at our little man's baby shower.

The ladder that Daddy built from scrap wood and stained himself to hold all of little baby bear's blankets

 Here is the bookshelf that Daddy stained, painted and distressed last summer...

The top shelf still honor's Millie Clara with her prints, her baptismal certificate, rosary and photos

The second shelf is becoming baby brother's with his baby book, piggy bank and Atlanta Braves gear (to honor the team that brought his parents together)

The changing table held many of Millie's medical supplies and her last outfit.  I was recently able to pack it all up and wash the coverings to be ready for baby brother.

The rocker holds the pillow I was gifted from my friend Tina for my first Mother's Day and it holds the camo deer lovie which was baby boy's very first gift.  His Aunt Laura knew the perfect gift the moment she saw it in a baby boutique.

 The side table my mother painted back in 2014 for her first Grandbaby King's nursery.  It was the gift from gramma at Millie's baby shower.  The radio flyer used to be Heath's when he was a little cub which now holds Millie's stuffed elephant and her Bama football that she will share with little brother...

Momma couldn't resist buying baby bear these adorable wood framed glasses when she stopped into target the other day!!

The dresser that Daddy stained and distressed last summer.  Several drawers hold Millie's memorabilia and her clothes that I hope a little sister will get to wear some day in the future.

The vintage milk crate was a gift from Gramma and Grampa Wiedmeyer which holds both Millie and Baby boy's sweet little toys.

Millie's Wall of prayers and love notes still exists and still gets added to all these months later.  It is a treasure and a memory vessel that I will never be able to paint over.  I'm pretty sure this wall will have to be cut out as is if we ever decide to move.

 Update from recent doctor visit is that baby boy is perfectly comfortable and basically no changes or progress towards delivery are happening at this time.  His c-section is scheduled for Friday 7/29 unless he gets this ball rolling sooner :)

Showering Baby Boy

Showering Baby Boy

 My husband's step-mother and family were unable to throw us the shower they had planned for Millie because once we learned she was sick I didn't want to travel too far and everything was so day-by-day.  So when my mother-in-law told me they would throw a shower for our son I was nervous at first but as soon as we started planning it really helped me to move into the belief that we will bring this baby home.  It also felt really special to honor our son with such a meaningful celebration.  My mother-in-law suggested a family-style shower which is certainly nontraditional but did wonders to ease my anxiety of being the center of attention during an event that could easily turn emotional for me.

May 22 ended up being a gorgeous (hot) day on their back porch with many friends and family joining us in celebration of our growing family. 

We started the day by visiting his big sister

Momma with Grandmas

Yummy treats and gorgeous decor

 

I loved the beautiful gingham decorations with blue glass vases and sweet baby's breath flowers

Our beautiful hosts Mamaw Rita, Aunt Jenine and Aunt Jennifer

Granpa Mark

 

Pawpaw Jerry and Great-Aunt Jane

Spoiled!!!

 

Long time friends

 

Beautiful music from beautiful family with beautiful voices

Sweet cousins inquiring all about baby in belly & particularly intrigued by the poking belly button!!

 

 

 

 Heath and I felt so much love this day and were able to connect with so many family and friends.  

One of the challenges during a pregnancy after loss is being able to balance our emotions and love for both of our babies that we are not holding in our arms.  It is easy to feel guilty when we shift our attention away from Millie and feel like we give our son too much attention but then we feel guilty if we don't honor him or have faith in his survival.  We are so loved as a family of 4 though because my mother-in-law did such an amazing job of incorporating Millie into the shower with butterflies throughout the decor and this special table setting.

 Heath and I have also been extremely blessed with supportive co-workers throughout our journey.  They all express their joy in our growing family and we were blessed enough to be showered by both sets of co-workers.

From my work...

And from Heath's work...

 We feel so incredibly blessed and loved by all who have helped us celebrate our daughter and our son.  We can't thank you all enough but please know how much your support is greatly appreciated 

 

 

PAL --Pregnancy After Loss

PAL--Pregnancy After Loss

There seems to be terminology for many aspects of parenthood after losing your child and PAL is a major one.  It is a very specific and unique experience that is best managed when surrounding yourself with others who understand from experience or understand by learning from a parent that is experiencing it.

My personal PAL journey has two very specific components: the emotional and the physical differences...

Emotionally we are no longer naive, blissful, healthy adults bringing a baby into this world and then home with us.  We are two healthy adults that have only conceived and brought into this world sick babies.  Sick babies with no given explanation as to why they were sick.  Therefore, I experienced a lot more stress about following all of the rules and doing nothing that could risk harm to my baby but yet trying to remain sensible and sane though it all.  When you're pregnant people will try to reassure you and tell you how they broke the rules and their child turned out fine... "my doctor told me to have 1 drink a week if I needed it, so I did", "I was careful with my first but by my second I ate lunch meat whenever I wanted", "my mom smoked the entire time she was pregnant with me"...  People mean well but that is just not helpful because my babies did get sick and I don't know if it is because of something I did.  The statistics are low but statistics were never in our favor for Millie, so statistics just don't mean crap anymore.  So the first trimester was particularly littered with worries about every little detail of every little thing I did.  Since I can't feel or even really see changes that early I had no reassurance that baby was well.  Therefore I worried that if I exercised too much I would harm baby but if I didn't exercise enough I wouldn't manage well physically through the pregnancy.   I wanted to honor this life inside of me so we shared the news but I couldn't help remaining guarded.  I also continued to find it very difficult to be around other pregnant women and the jealousy that they never experience a PAL pregnancy.

The second trimester was when I started to see my growing bump and get little nudges from baby.  The second trimester was when we learned that the blood work on baby was good and the ultrasounds were showing healthy development.  These factors helped but they never eased my worries entirely.  What did help was learning that we were having a boy, starting to receive gifts for Millie's little brother and agreeing to celebrate his life with a baby shower.  These factors helped me shift my point-of-view towards actually bringing a baby home with us to stay.  My fears were less and my hope was stronger.  I honestly started to feel faith that he was doing just fine and would definitely be joining our family.  By the time we reached the 28 week ultrasound (the one where we learned Millie was sick) I already knew in my heart that he wasn't sick.  My instincts were right, his ultrasound scan was perfect.  

The third trimester has been both up and down. Celebrating our baby boy with three separate showers brings us joy and comfort to see how loved he is.  Organizing his many gifts gives me something very positive to do and makes me feel reassured in imagining him joining our family.  I am also growing bigger and feeling him move so much which is great relief and helps make me feel excited to hold him in my arms.   But being bigger automatically draws a lot more questions about my family.  I have decided that I will never deny Millie's place in our family so whenever I get asked if this is my first I always answer "no our second".  This answer often results in follow-up statements or questions like "so you're an old pro" or "great you have one of each now".  I then feel the need to explain our situation.  I'm so matter-of-fact about it now after having to have these conversations at least a dozen times a week that I start to feel guilty about my seemingly emotionless management of our situation but this is our reality and the type of questions I will continue to get for the rest of our lives.  I suppose I could just pretend he is our first to eliminate the follow-up questions/responses but I just can't.   I've also learned that as I get bigger everyone is an expert in delivering babies and is certain I am delivering any minute despite the fact that I'm only 35-36 weeks along.  I know their comments are harmless but as a parent who has been through loss, delivering a child early is a frightening concept and one I do not want to consider.  Having your child taken from you via c-section, being unable to hold your child for over 24 hours and having to visit your child for only short periods of time in the NICU is not something I wish to relive, if at all possible, so having a child 4 or 5 weeks early is not something I am hoping for.  I try not to get offended by any one single person, as I know no one means harm by what they say, but the combination of many comments every week can start to wear on a person that is just trying to carry a healthy baby to full-term and deliver a baby safely so that he may survive.  

As we approach delivery we have had very serious decisions to make about how we will deliver.  I feel so strongly about having a natural, unmedicated delivery but it is just not possible for a VBAC (vaginal birth after c-section) and I would be required to have the epidural very early on.  This strategy makes me very nervous about the baby's health, my health and my emotional well-being so we have opted to go with another c-section.  Heath is more at ease with this option and overall it feels safest for baby which is the most important factor.  So I have dealt with the secondary loss of ever delivering my babies vaginally because we originally chose to keep Millie safe through c-section.  I am totally okay with this plan now but originally this was an extremely emotional loss for me.  It makes me feel like less of a mother having absolutely nothing to do with the action of bringing my babies into this world. 

As we enter the last month of pregnancy with less than 3 weeks to go I am finding myself becoming very anxious and nervous.  We have officially been discharged by the high risk doctor because our baby boy has looked perfect on every ultrasound, including his 36 week one.  This is relieving but this is so different.  With Millie we were checked almost every single day until one day we were finally told that it was time to deliver.  With this baby we are just waiting for nature to take it's course or July 29th to arrive, whichever comes first.  I am emotional knowing that we are about to enter the stages of Millie's life that are my only memories of her and they are going to be written so differently for this little guy.  I am so comforted and blessed to know he is healthy but I am nervous about getting to bring a baby home and do the normal 'caring for a baby' stuff.  I am fearful of an emotional breakdown and feeling the loss of Millie all over again with everything we didn't get to have with her.  Physically I hurt so much more with this baby than I ever did with Millie.  I didn't have any real pain with Millie but with our son I have felt pain in my hips, feet and hands from my ever loose ligaments, I have much worse varicose veins and recently increased swelling in my hands and feet.  The swelling in my hands has gotten so severe this past week that it is causing carpal tunnel syndrome and very stiff joints which is actually impacting my ability to sleep and even worse impacting my ability to do my job.  It is hard for me to accept that I am physically not as strong as I was with Millie but I know that is to be expected having babies only 18 months apart.  

So while the house is prepped for a baby to join our family, my mind is not entirely there yet.  I can't seem to pack my hospital bag or plan how I want Millie present with us at the hospital or how I want to handle visitors.  I also cannot commit to a name yet.  This bothers me because I feel like his name should be obvious but I'm just plain unable to commit.  I guess I have to meet him to know.   But coming towards the end of our PAL journey I am comforted by the beautiful babies I see my friends parent after the loss of their child.  It also helps to walk this pregnancy step-in-step with my sister, Jenny, who is expecting my niece July 23rd.  I am excited for these cousins to be born so close together.  My nephew, Avett, will always have a special bond with his cousin, Millie, and now these two cousins will have a special bond being born so close together :)

Butterfly Garden

butterfly garden

 

I'm not much of a gardener but I've always enjoyed looking at beautiful flowers.  Moving to Georgia opened my eyes to a whole new world of gorgeous gardens (and a whole lot of pollen).

 

When we moved into our home the landscaping was only so-so and the backyard had this 300 square foot hill of weeds.  I've always had big dreams of making a garden out of it and since Millie passed a butterfly garden in her honor felt so perfect.  Only it's a big chunk of space and A LOT of weeds and therefore a task I could not tackle alone.  

 

I happened to be home in Wisconsin for Mother's Day and my mom gifted me her skills of planting flower pots for me when she came to visit in a few weeks.

 

So when she got to GA we picked out flowers together and she arranged the most beautiful pots for me!

And since gardening is a passion of my mother's she designed and implemented the plan to fix the backyard weedy mess!!

 

It took all of a Saturday and all hands on deck but the transformation was incredible!!

 

THE WEEDY BEFORE...

TILLING UP THE LAND...

PLANTING AND TRANSFERRING...

(hard working puppy taking a much needed break)...

ALL PLANTS IN PLACE...

LAYING WEED BARRIER & MULCH...

FINAL PRODUCT...

I am head over heels in love with the beautiful transformation that was the weedy hill of our backyard.  I am so thankful for my Mom, Dad and husband for helping to make this space into something so special.  Mom says it's Millie's butterfly garden but baby brother's garden too since he was in my belly while we made it!

Bonus flower...

We received many beautiful flowers and plants for Millie's funeral last year and I did my very best to plant as many as I could outdoors, not really knowing if any were meant for the outdoors and/or if any would return again.  

Well early this spring, as I was planting bulbs, I ran into one of those plant bulbs I had planted last spring.  Within a few weeks this little beauty sprouted...

The most special thing is that we never received any pink lilies for Millie's funeral, only white ones.  It seems this once white lily turned pink in honor of our sweet baby girl in heaven!