Capture Your Grief: Week 3

~Day 15: Wave Of Light~

The Wave of Light is such a special way to create awareness, unity and peace amongst a world of suffering families.  We lit our candles for Millie and her second cousin Cooper.  We prayed for both of them and all the other families that we know personally and those that we don't who are participating in the Wave of Light.  

~Day 16: Relationship~

Have my relationships been affected by the loss of my daughter?  Absolutely.  Almost all of it is for the better.  I have met so many incredible people through this loss and made new and dear friends as a result.  I have connected on a whole new level with acquaintances that learn about my story.   I have experienced unbelievable support from my extended family and my husband's extended family.  No relationship has been more affected though than the relationship between myself and Millie's father.  He is the most important person to me, the one who forever connects me to this most precious baby of ours.  Yet grief is complicated and we don't grieve the same way.  We didn't seek the proper help that we didn't know we needed and unhealthy coping has lead to severe complications in our marriage.  Divorce is already so prevalent in our society and yet it is extremely common after the death of a child.  It turns out ours is just as vulnerable.  We are having to work through the destruction caused by our lack of proper coping and it is the biggest battle we have ever been in.

~Day 17: Gratitude~

Is gratitude really all it's talked up to be when it comes to healing?  I feel like it's a very sad circumstance for anyone who has walked this path and can't find gratitude within this situation.  For me personally, gratitude is a tremendous component to who I am and how I function.  Nothing in this life is promised or guaranteed.  It is pompous and ignorant to believe that I deserve something more or better than anyone else.  It doesn't mean I'm wrong for desiring it but it would be foolish to believe that there is not goodness within every single event that has occurred in my life.  I think you are robbed of so much joy when you can't find the appreciation of goodness within the broken, busted, painful moments in life.  I believe earnestly in Romans 8:28 that God works all things for the good of those who love Him, for those who are called according to his purpose.  I have spent time thanking God for the most painful events in my life because I know that God is like a loving parent guiding me through devastating challenges to help foster my growth and my capabilities for love, kindness and goodness.    At the end of the day, I am still here, I am still living, I still have  a tremendous amount of gifts and responsibilities.  Romans 5:3-4 tells me that we glory in our sufferings because we know that suffering produces perseverance, perseverance, character; and character, hope.  I have HOPE.

~Day 18: Joy~

Feeling joy after loss is the most uncomfortable thing that happens.  It feels so wrong and so unkind to the child we have lost.  It immediately causes guilt and confusion.  How can I possibly be joyful when my heart is full of so much sorrow?  How can I possibly show natural response to existence in this world when my most precious child is no longer present in this world?  But in time you start to evolve and realize that you're not forgetting or ignoring your child by experiencing joy, you're just simply experiencing life, a life where joy and sorrow co-exist.  Where the word bittersweet is applied to all facets of emotions: joyfulsorrow, beautifulbrokeness, emptyfullness, grippingrelief, gloriousgrief, lovinghurts…

~Day 19: Learn~

I have learned that losing my child does not earn me a get-out-of-jail-free pass.  I am not impervious to more devastation.  My life isn't smooth sailing after I've overcome the experience of losing my child. More death will occur, more illnesses will develop, more hearts will break, more unexplainable devastation will overcome me.  Grief has taught me how to be prepared for the unexpected and how to focus on the things that I can control and release the things that I can't.  Grief has also taught me that it will bury you and if you're not careful you will never be able to climb out from under it alone.  When deep hurts and devastation occur I must reach out, I must seek help, counsel and support from others.  I cannot carry these burdens alone.  It is too heavy and too damaging to think that I am capable of overcoming it all by myself.  I am learning to accept help when it comes my way but even more importantly I am learning to ask for help when attempting to carry it alone is crushing me.  

~Day 20: Death~

Death is complicated and scary and unknown and unavoidable.  Death should be something that unites us all, something beautiful and loving.  Death always reminds us of the fragility of our experiences in this world.  It forces us to evaluate what is most important and if I am spending my time wisely.  It is a time to celebrate and encourage and love on each other.  Avoidance and awkwardness only adds to the natural sorrow that one will experience after losing a loved one.  Death can force us to dig deep into our own souls and can reveal a lot about who we are and what we harbor.  It can be a beautiful opportunity to cleanse our souls of the ugliness and brokenness that we've carried around for much too long. If we can be willing to be open to the vulnerability that occurs after death then we can open ourselves to a tremendous amount of love and connection.

~Day 21: Myths~

Grief is not predictable or specified.  Everyone will grieve differently but it is so easy to grieve unhealthily.  A person who is grieving requires the efforts of loved ones around them to step into their hurts and meet them where they are, providing comfort and reflection and compassion.  It requires gentle suggestions to encourage continued emotional movement towards peace.  When a person experiences the loss of a very meaningful person in their life, the grief will never end, the secondary losses will never end, but peace can be accomplished when darkness, negativity and/or avoidance is no longer the overriding factor.  I am not trying to over-simplify it or pretend that darkness, negativity and avoidance are unacceptable responses but they cannot be the place that the person remains in indefinitely.  Lean in and take steps towards providing proactive loving care for someone broken and hurting in grief.   
***As an aside, this is not a reflection of what I experienced on the receiving end but rather a reminder to myself about the ways in which I have failed as a friend to others who are grieving.  I need to continue to remind myself what it's like to grieve, how important those people and moments were in my healing, and that I need to be that person for others***