Sunday, February 12, 2017

Millie turns 2


Millie Turns 2



It's a tough concept to grasp.  Does she turn 2 or would she turn 2 if she lived? Either way we of course celebrated the day she entered this world, the day she physically entered our lives, the day she made us parents, the day our family grew by 1...

January 27, 2015



I have no mental capacity to grasp how in the world 2 years have passed since the day I kissed Millie's cheek for the first time but it obviously has and this time around we have her little brother in tow.  We chose to celebrate the day exactly as we had for her 1st birthday only it was just our immediate family instead of our extended family and friends like last year. This did not bother me as I imagined her 2nd birthday in life on earth would have been relatively similar...smaller and less to-do.  




We still purchased her new flowers, brought a happy birthday sign, brought books to read her and released balloons to the heavens with our personal messages of love written on them. We told Bodey all about the day his big sister was born. He enjoyed visiting her.













We ate lunch at Cheaha brewery just as we had the year before.  We got a little cupcake with a birthday candle for Millie and we sang her happy birthday that night.  We also made a donation to a family whose 5 year old son is in the throws of battling a life-threatening cancer (an army for jackson).  He just had major surgery at MD Anderson that week and we wanted him to know just how much his life and his courage to fight matters with a gift in memory of Millie.  





I have to be honest in saying that this year my grieving during her 23 days of life has felt so different. I feel buffered from my deep grief by the distractions of an ever growing and changing little brother Bodey. However, that distraction also makes me feel guilty to Millie for not reflecting enough on my memories of her life like I was able to so diligently last year. 



Today is 2 years from the day we took Millie home. She was 2 weeks old. It was a scary but wonderful day. I am able to admit today that my grief I thought I wasn't experiencing is very much coming through subconsciously.  I am recognizing that I am not myself lately.  I am unable to attend to Bodey as fully.  I find myself much more impatient with him (I rarely feel impatient towards him), I am having more difficulty responding to his cues and find I am letting him cry longer, not changing his diaper as frequently as I should, laying in bed with him or just cuddling instead of getting things done. In general I feel like he is more irritable than usual. Furthermore, I'm easily foregoing exercise, I am picking battles with patients at work that I normally wouldn't handle this way, I am emotionally drained over patients I can't fix.  I am very anxious about Bodey's lack of weight gain. The doctor is in no way concerned because everything else about him is perfect (which I am extremely grateful for) but I am feeling guilty that I'm not doing enough for him to improve his weight gain. I am internalizing blame that I must not be making good enough milk or that I am eating foods he can't tolerate (despite eating the healthiest diet I have ever maintained in my life) or I'm not making enough milk (though my supply shows no signs of lacking). I find that I can't get enough sleep (i am literally falling asleep behind the wheel while stopped in commuter traffic) and when I do sleep I'm totally dead to the world (per Heath who claims I haven't heard him come home from work nor heard the baby crying in the night).  I am feeling like I am in a fog and as I'm reflecting on all the ways I don't feel like myself lately I can put 2 and 2 together to understand that this is my subconscious grief manifesting in a very real emotionally and physically depressed way.



I have sought out the name of a counselor for our type of situation and just need to pull the trigger on setting something up.  We have not yet attended personal counselling since we lost Millie but it is feeling like 2 years later, we may need it now.



I am also feeling like I need to find a way to offer my services to others, either in the form of grief support for child loss and/or physical therapy treatment to someone in need.  God has given me insight and the ability to provide healing that I know I need to offer to others in need of these gifts.  I am continuing to foster my relationship with God and searching for how He will use me as a steward.

3 comments:

  1. I LOVE that you donated towards Jackson in Millie's name. I hope he knows he has an angel on his side.
    I'm sorry that your grief is manifesting in ways you don't want it to. I will say, that sometimes it's just hard to put your best foot forward every day. Being a mom, working, cooking, exercising it can all come to a point where it's just too tiring to always do it all. Especially when you're buried under such a huge emotional and physical loss. I can't imagine how much harder it makes it. I acknowledge that this isn't what you want in your life and that you want to manage your grief in a better manner, but I just want you to know that A) part of that is just normal B) for all of the ways you feel like you have underserved Bodey's needs, you had an abbreviated message following it just to show that you are doing everything he needs to be making the gains as he is, and C) I'm proud of you for putting together the steps you need to to keep climbing through this personal journey. Keep doing your best because it is enough. Love you!

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