We're a family of 4

This journey through parenthood after loss is beyond confusing.  Through all the confusion, one thing I've learned for sure, is that no two parents grieve the same way.  I'm fairly certain that I manage my grief and fears different than most.

I generally don't overthink things or worry too much.  I couldn't control what happened to Millie and I had no control over changing her outcomes so I guess that plays out to the same mentality when it comes to Bodey.  Of course I do everything to keep him safe and heed to the instructions of his doctor but I don't get too stressed about things I can't control, maybe to a fault (I don't know).  So in some ways it seems to carry-over to having a pretty laid back baby.  I am very grateful to have a laid back baby but I know it's not just our parenting style, I know God specifically blessed us with a calm, happy, easy-going baby because I worry that I would not be able to function if he were any other way.  

After having cared for a terminally ill baby--when every parent's greatest fear is just looming around the corner--I could not function with constant worry over Bodey.  In the same way that I couldn't manage the stress of a challenging baby, I also can't manage to consider what life would be like if Millie were still here.  I obviously know the facts--that Millie is my first born, she made me a mother, she would be 22 months old, she is a big sister.  I do not spend more than a few moments at any given time considering what it would be like to have both babies here at the same time.  It's just too damn confusing and too damn painful.  I cannot give attention to friends, acquaintances, strangers that have children near Millie's age for fear that I might wonder what it would be like to have a daughter running around.  I guess it's further muddled by the fact that I don't know if I should envision a happy, healthy, perfect Millie or a disabled, mentally challenged, delayed Millie.  That part hurts so damn much that I just prefer to avoid it altogether.  So as a result, I pretty much think of my family as the 'before' and 'after'.  Our family of 4 that is 3 of us and then 3 of us to make up 4.   I never, ever deny her existence or place in our family but I also never look at a family of 4 and see myself. 

I have absolutely relished in all the ways Bodey looks, acts and reminds us of Millie.  He warms our hearts in all the right ways and brings us comfort in the way he fulfills our parenting rolls.  He does cause us to miss Millie but he also allows us to relive our moments with her again.   And then he allows us to enjoy things we never got to have with her.  I get to put him down in her crib and change his diaper where I changed hers.  I get to lay in my bed with him cradled in my arms in the same place where I laid with Millie cradled in the same nook and I get to lay Bodey on his dad's chest where Millie used to cuddle.  I get to dress him in clothes that she received and read him books that she received and play with toys that filled her toy chest first and put him in diapers that people wrote messages to us on at her shower.  It's always a special moment to watch him wear or play with something that we shared with her and it's always a painful moment when I realize he gets to use something she was never old enough or big enough to use.  

So when we went to visit Millie at the cemetery for my birthday I had this fleeting moment where I felt it--our family of 4--our family of 4 if we were all here together.  It was the most beautiful, special and yet painful moment.  

Every single day I say my prayers to God thanking Him for our beautiful children and thanking Him for blessing us with our easy-going, calm, bright eyed baby boy.  I ask Him to keep Bodey healthy and safe every single day.  I don't think this is much different than most parents but I find myself taking mental snapshots constantly.  Every single new thing that Bodey does, every single giant smile he gives me, every single moment I can make him giggle is cataloged and filed in the 'Thank you God' category.  Unlike most parents I still worry that there might not be a tomorrow so I try not to take this moment today for granted.  This might also be part of why I still don't sweat the small stuff--if this is it I don't want to have spent it stressing over things I can't control.  

As Bodey's first Christmas approaches it is again such a confusing time of year where everything is so bittersweet, where every opposing feeling co-exists.  This is the time of year where I start to relive my memories of Millie and lately I am noticing the many ways I can feel Millie sending me signs of her presence.  These signs, along with messages about the Random Acts of Christmas Kindness that family and friends have been doing in honor of Millie, bring me so much comfort in an otherwise painful time of year.

Merry Christmas from our family of 4--The Kings