6 Month Birthday

6 month birthday

july 27, 2015

It was a Monday, a Monday that I had to spend at the Cobb County courthouse being prepped for jury duty.  I was not thrilled about this out-of-the-ordinary event in my normal schedule but frankly I didn't care either.  I just really couldn't believe that this is what Millie's 6 month birthday looked like for me.

July was the time we were mentally preparing for as a beacon in Millie's future when her little body would hopefully be big enough to tolerate the interventional radiologic surgery that would cure the AVM in her brain.  Before she was even born we were planning to cut maternity/paternity leave short in order to have extra time available come July when she would start needing surgeries.  Getting her safely to 6 months old was what we prayed for continuously before she was born and before we learned just how sick she really was.  We prayed that the physicians could help slow her heart failure and other organ failure long enough for her to tolerate surgery in July.  This really wasn't a question in our mind, we knew God would provide and our baby girl would begin the path to being cured in July.

So here it is, July 27, 2015, and I am sitting in a courtroom having to present my personal history to some lawyers to determine if I will be a good fit in judging their civil lawsuit.   When my turn came I was to stand and recite my name, profession, husband's profession, number of children, years living in the county and area of county I reside in.  I was the 19th potential juror, so while the jurors before me went, I recited my information in my mind and felt tears streaming down my cheeks every time I had to recite my answer to number of children. I knew my answer was 1 but it was a very painful 1.  And I felt lonely crying in the middle of a courtroom over the answer to a seemingly basic question.  These strangers don't know how difficult this question is for me, they don't know my pain and they don't know how fresh this wound still is.  They don't know just how freaking painful it is to be sitting in a courtroom instead of sitting in a hospital waiting room nervous about the pros and cons of a very necessary surgical procedure that my daughter should be having.  A scary and risky procedure but one that would help her to become healthy if everything went as planned.

Heath and I had met with the interventional radiology surgeon on Dec 31, 2014.  He was the first and only person to even bring up the remote possibility of death given the limited knowledge we had from Millie's fetal MRI.  I lost it in his office that day when he mentioned this possibility but I never truly thought of it as a reality.  We knew our baby girl was sick but Heath and I believed so strongly in the power of being positive, so we prayed and hoped for our girl to be as healthy as she could possibly be given what we already knew.  We never once thought to pray to God that He let our daughter live, just that He let her be healthy.  
But on July 27, 2015 I wasn't sitting in a hospital waiting room praying for our daughter to live because that unfathomable fear had already become our reality.

It was hard to sit in a courtroom on July 27th and remember that my reality could have been us sitting in a hospital waiting room praying endlessly for our daughter to survive the surgery and to recover well.  Millie's surgeries would have been emotionally exhausting, extremely nerve-wracking and always a fear of wonder whether we were making the right decision or not for our sweet girl.  Heath and I were always fearful of causing our child undue pain and suffering. 

So I spent the morning of July 27th alone in my emotions, stuck in a courtroom, but by noon I was struck from the jury so I treated myself to a lovely lunch in the warm, bright sun on the Marietta square. Then I went home to my loving puppy and napped with her on the floor of Millie's room.  Our dear friends had us over for dinner later that night and then Heath and I went to wish Millie's godfather a Happy Birthday.

It was never, ever how I could have pictured spending Millie's 6 month birthday but when you're blissfully and naively pregnant you only ever envision positioning your baby for the obligatory 6 month photo shoot with the baby's developmental update.  When you learn in advance that your child will be sick you grieve that you won't get to have the blissful "normal" 6 month moment with your baby and will instead be planning for surgery for your very sick baby, praying it goes perfectly.  When your sick baby is born breathing, crying and moving you never imagine that you'll spend her 6 month birthday with empty arms and broken hearts.

I honestly don't know where the past 6 months have gone, they have been the most amazing, blessed, painful and challenging 6 months of my life.  We have also never been so enveloped in love, comfort and support in our lives.  We continue to be so grateful for our 23 days with Millie and the beautiful memories that we were able to make with her.  We are beyond blessed to have been the parents to such a beautiful baby girl that exuded so much pure love.

My Darling, My Angel, My Star
My Love Will Find You Wherever You Are... 

We love you and miss you sweet Millie Clara,

xoxo

mommy & daddy