Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep

Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep

NILMDTS is the charity that has become very near and dear to our hearts after we received their services, not once but twice, during Millie's time here on earth with us.

NILMDTS was developed in honor of Maddux Achilles Haggard born on Feb. 4, 2005, with a condition called myotubular myopathy. It prevented him from breathing, swallowing or moving on his own. On the sixth day of his young life, his parents, Mike and Cheryl Haggard had to make the excruciating decision to take him off life support. Before they did, they called photographer Sandy Puc' to take black and white portraits of them cradling their son. Puc' photographed the couple with Maddux at the hospital before he was removed from life support and after — when he was free from the tubes and the wires that had sustained him.

“That night was the worst night of my life. But when I look at the images, I am not reminded of my worst night. I’m reminded of the beauty and blessings he brought.” Cheryl Haggard, Maddux’s mother and co-founder of NILMDTS

Those tender photographs documenting Maddux’s eternal connection with his parents inspired Cheryl Haggard and Sandy Puc' to begin a nonprofit organization that has provided thousands of families of babies who are stillborn or are at risk of dying as newborns with free professional portraits with their baby.
Sandy and Cheryl founded the organization in April 2005 and called it Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep (NILMDTS) after the children’s bedtime prayer.

The legacy of Maddux has gifted our family with some of our most treasured memories of Millie.  We were offered NILMDTS services while we were in the hospital and due to the timing we chose to have the photographer document Millie's baptism which was an incredibly special moment for us in her life.  We were able to have professional photographs captured of Millie during this memorable christian moment with us and her extended family. These beautiful baptismal photos were taken by Stuart Hasson who was such a kind and gentle soul during an incredibly emotional moment in a very small, hot, packed NICU room.  We were so blessed by his presence on this very special day.

Once we brought Millie home we were again offered NILMDTS services to document Millie's time in our home.  Having true newborn style photographs taken of her helped to give us a moment of normalcy in her otherwise atypical existence here on earth.  We were able to capture pictures of her with her stuffed animals, in her crib, with her puppy and cuddled with her parents in her sweetly decorated nursery.  These gorgeous photos in our home were performed by Erin Bankston.  She captured our baby girl so well despite her feeling so sick that day.  Erin kindly and patiently incorporated Coalie.  She posed Millie with her teddy bears and Alabama gear in such sweet ways.  She allowed us to pose in front of Millie's special prayer wall. She is so special to us that we chose her for Bodey's newborn photographs as seen in my previous post.

Both photographers were incredibly respectful of us and our situation but yet kept the moments light-hearted and enjoyable despite the seriousness of why they were there to take our photos.  

We have felt incredibly grateful for the nurses that suggested NILMDTS services to us because not every newborn photographer can handle the gravity of photographing a terminally ill infant (or stillborn infant) which is totally understandable.  The charity NILMDTS is established to provide training for their volunteers to best manage these most sensitive moments in a parents' life that will be treasured for years and years to come.  

NILMDTS organizes a fundraising Remembrance walk event every year in Colorado where they are based out of but this year they have expanded to include walks in Minnesota and Georgia.  We feel so blessed to be able to not only participate in the walk this year but to have the donations from family and friends to contribute to such a meaningful organization. We are so grateful to those of you that have felt love in your hearts for our family and chose to donate in the honor of our sweet daughter.  We would love to have anyone that is interested in joining Team Millie Moo on October 15 at 8 am in Atlanta to celebrate the life of our daughter.  It will be such a special day to see and hear our daughter's name.  It will be extra special to bring her baby brother to an event that honors his big sister.  It will be a rare occasion to feel like our special family of 4.

Newborn Photos

Newborn Photos

We feel so blessed that we were able to have Bodey's newborn photos taken by Erin of Erin's Attic Photography.  Erin is the photographer that answered a call back in February 2015 to go to the home of a couple in Acworth to take free photographs of their dying baby girl, Millie, through the charity Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep.

Erin was so compassionate and kind to work with on a day that Millie was feeling quite sick.  She was able to create the most beautiful and meaningful photographs of our baby girl and new family.  She was even willing to include Coalie.

I've followed Erin's catalog of work ever since she did Millie's photos and have loved her style and skill.  I reached out to her towards the end of my pregnancy with Bodey and asked if she would do our next baby's newborn photos. 

On Bodey's 12th day of life we went to Erin's studio and watched her work her craft with Millie's little brother.  She was so sweet and very patient.  She remembered Millie and asked questions about Millie's condition, how we handled her final moments of life and any challenges we felt with bringing Bodey home.  She told us that she felt she could be a photographer for NILMDTS after her assistant had unexpectedly lost her infant daughter and Erin provided her photographs.

It was extra special having Erin take Bodey's photos because she was able to incorporate Millie in such meaningful and beautiful ways.  Please enjoy these amazing photos of newborn Bodey 

Triggers, Memories and New Experiences

Triggers, Memories and New Experiences

As expected, the birth of Bodey has not been without triggers, reliving certain memories and overall new experiences.

Triggers are just plain tough to avoid.  Some are expected and some just hit you without warning.  

The day of his delivery were met with many triggers, big and small, expected and unexpected.  Since we were having another planned c-section many things about waking up, prepping for surgery and pre-op to-do's were triggers for me.  The smells of the soap, getting the IVs placed again, listening to doctors provide consent, having the spinal administered while Heath had to wait in the hall all triggered my memories of those moments with Millie. I found myself even more anxious and nervous for this delivery than I was for Millie's.  Maybe it is because I had a better idea of what to expect.  It felt like the surgery took longer than last time which I believe was due both to scar tissue that had to be addressed and the fact that he was transverse making his exit more difficult.

I found my late pregnancy swelling issues getting exponentially worse during the surgery causing my hands to swell to the point that my hands were completely numb and I worried that the spinal was going much higher up my spine than anticipated but since I could still move my fingers I knew it was just the swelling.  My nose was also swelling to the point that I couldn't breathe in the oxygen from the canula placed in my nostrils.  The increasing numbness and shortness of breath made me feel even more anxious as I waited to hear our baby cry and to know that he was okay. 

I made a point of trying to be more aware during recovery but having our baby present with us and having him latch on right away made it so much more memorable.   Spending time together immediately as a family was a very new experience for us and such a special one.  But being back on the mother-baby unit brought about so many nurses and techs with questions and tests that both acted as triggers to our last delivery but also the fact that we had to explain that this was not our first child and not my first c-section recovery.

We got to experience having our baby present in our room with us through the night which brought about new stresses for daddy since I was unable to get out of bed without the nurse's assistance.  I was also so determined to nurse since I didn't get to with Millie that I endured a lot of discomfort in order to meet his demands.  However, I learned that he wasn't getting enough milk because he wasn't latching correctly which is why it hurt so much.  The lactation nurse did an awesome job of getting us back on track but this meant pumping.  Having the hospital grade pump brought out and attached to me almost made me breakdown as this was a major trigger to the pumping I had to do to develop a supply for Millie while she was in the NICU.  It broke my heart to have to provide milk to my baby through a french syringe and/or bottle instead of from the breast as I so desperately wanted to this time around.  I knew, though, that this was a temporary situation on the road to establishing exclusive nursing so I persevered for the sake of my baby, just like I did for Millie.  But having to pump at home and still feed the baby through other means was a huge trigger to the way we had to manage Millie's feedings once she came home.

 We ended up being lucky enough to leave the hospital within 2 days instead of the typical 3 days for c-section recovery.  I was ready to get out of dodge but unexpectedly being wheeled out of the hospital with my baby sitting in the car seat on my lap had me working extra hard to hold back the ugly cries.  The last time I was wheeled out of the hospital was in a hasty rush around 11:30pm and empty handed after watching our daughter being loaded into the Angel Care incubator for her transfer to the downtown Children's hospital.  We headed straight downtown when we left the hospital last time but this time we got to drive our precious baby boy straight home.  The emotions were heavy as I rode in the back watching our son sleep soundly in the same car seat I watched his sister sleep in during her ride home from the hospital.

It was very comforting to be home with our baby boy and getting to do so many things that we got to do with Millie like change diapers and dress in adorable little outfits, sleep with them right next to our bed, hang out outside together and give them their sponge bath.

There are so many new and different things that we have gotten to do with Bodey that we never got to do with Millie too though.  We have gone to the pediatrician's office, out shopping, out for quick meals and out to friend's houses.  We have gotten to rock on the front porch and use the baby carriers to go for walks and use the stroller to walk up Kennesaw Mountain.  While there are so many parenting experiences we get to have with Bodey that we didn't get to have with Millie, there is no doubt that we feel like established parents because of our first born daughter.

Unfortunately, other triggers have included my post-op visit where we returned to the OB's office to have my staples removed.  With Millie this appointment occurred immediately after our meeting with Millie's doctors where we learned that her condition was terminal.  Going to my doctor's visit and having to deliver that brand new information to my OB was heart-breaking as it hadn't really set-in for us just yet.  So going back for this doctor's visit with Bodey in tow, I cradled him close to my chest out of comfort for my broken heart that never got to do this with Millie.

While we had learned that Millie's condition was terminal on her 1 week birthday, we spent the morning of Bodey's 1 week birthday going to a specialist to have his circumcision evaluated.  The pediatric urologist was located in an area of Atlanta where we had to go see specialists for Millie prior to her birth.  While it was stressful to have to see a specialist for our brand new son, I reminded Heath that whatever news we learned about Bodey's condition it would be so very manageable in comparison to learning Millie's tragic news from her doctors on her first week birthday.  Luckily, we learned that Bodey's condition should heal without issue and again we count our blessings that our son is thriving, strong and totally healthy. 

In three days Bodey will have been on earth and in our arms for 23 days.  Twenty-three days was all the time we were granted with Millie.  In many ways these 3 weeks with Bodey has felt like so long and like we have gotten to do so much with him already and yet with know there are so many, many more memories to be made with him.  It will be a new road for us and one that we very much look forward to.  There is so much comfort in seeing how much Bodey resembles Millie, making it feel like she is always present with us through him.

Welcome Little Brother

Welcome Little Brother

Millie's little brother arrived on July 29, 2016, 2 days after her 18 month birthday. Her little brother ended up coming at his scheduled c-section time since he was perfectly comfortable hanging out where he was but it was time for him to join the world given my previous c-section.  He arrived at 7:48 am (1 week almost to the hour from his cousin Haddie)!  His first breath felt more delayed to me and I believe it was because of swallowing extra amniotic fluid since the nurses had to work on him for awhile to get him transitioning better on his own.  But once I heard that sweet little cry, my heart sang with relief!  He was a whopping 8lb5oz, exactly 2lb heavier than Millie, and 20" long at birth.  He scored 8's on both of his Apgar scores and was placed directly on my chest as we wheeled to recovery together.  It was a very surreal feeling to have my baby right there with me, nursing even, within minutes of being born!

I'm HERE!!

Daddy cutting the umbilical cord

Our first meeting on the outside

Our family

 We spent time together alone in our room getting to know our little man, trying to figure out his name and telling him all about his big sister.  It was easy to see immediately how much he resembles Millie and as we spent more time with him we recognized expressions, sounds and movements that were all Millie too.  He is definitely his own little self but there is no denying who his big sister is!

Unfortunately his name did not come to us easily and he remained unnamed for almost 48 hours but by Sunday morning Daddy and I compromised on Bodey Spencer King.  Spencer is the middle name that Bodey shares with his father, grandfather and great-great-great grandfather!

While in the hospital we felt Millie's love when we looked out the window and saw multiple different, gorgeous rainbows filling the sky.

In the pregnancy and Infant Loss community rainbows are very symbolic and is the word used for a baby that is born following a loss.  I never really identified strongly with this concept but the meaning is still very sweet and seeing these rainbows brought a lot of joy, peace and sense of Millie to our little family as we gathered together in our hospital room

Our hearts are so full, we are so in-love and we couldn't be more grateful to have been blessed with a healthy, strong, beautiful baby boy.









Our hearts are so full, we are so in-love and we couldn't be more grateful to have been blessed with a healthy, strong, beautiful baby boy.