Millie's 1st Birthday

Millie's 1st Birthday

January 27, 2016 our baby girl turned 1 years old. 

ONE YEAR...

one year that we have survived without our daughter

one year of heartache

one year of unending love

one year of grateful moments

one year of memories

one year of sorrowful moments

A first birthday means planning a party, shopping for an adorable birthday onesie with baby girl tutu and ordering a smash cake and balloons.

The only thing this momma got to do on that list was order balloons, balloons that would be released to the heavens for our daughter to see our celebration.

We were incredibly blessed to have so many family and friends travel from all over to join us at Millie's resting place in Alabama to celebrate the day this beautiful baby girl entered the world crying and breathing on her own, showing her amazing strength.

I didn't feel so strong that day but being surrounded by so many loving family members and friends helped to carry me through.

We wrote our messages of love to Millie on her balloons and then released them into the dreary sky on the day she was born 1 year later...

 

We completed our celebration with lunch at a local brewery and then cake at home.  Our hearts were filled with joy to be able to gather together in honor and memory of the day our beautiful baby girl made us parents and joined our family forever.

Happiest 1st Birthday Millie Moo 
Mommy & Daddy love you forever and ever 

Baby's First Christmas

I realize it's been quite awhile since I've done an update.  

Honestly, I just haven't had the words.  From my birthday on I have been in a bit of an emotional fog.  My emotions have felt a bit dulled as I prepared for and ultimately survived the holidays without our daughter and then had to prepare for her One year marks.  

Tomorrow was a year since Millie's visitation and Tuesday one year since we had to bury our daughter, the one thing no parent thinks they will ever have to do.  Yet somehow today I am starting to feel better now that this particular season of the year is behind us.  

True to the road of our heavy grief these holidays and anniversaries were met with such polar and opposing emotions.  I would like to start by catching up with Christmas...

This was a Wisconsin year for Christmas.  Heath, Coalie and I drove through the night and arrived at my parents' home Christmas Eve morning.  We caught a quick nap and then we were off to my cousin Scott's for our traditional Big Wiedmeyer Christmas Eve celebrations.  My family has been nothing but empathetic, loving, caring and compassionate throughout our loss and they were true to form as we were greeted throughout the night.  Nonetheless, I found myself retreating from interacting and conversing.  It was really hard to see all the babies together and gathered around Santa but no Baby's First Christmas for my baby girl.  No passing her around and showing her off to family members that would rarely get to see her.  No dolling our sweetheart up in the gorgeous red dress from Auntie Laura last Christmas. No pictures with Santa to be cherished forever.

That evening my immediate family gathered at Mom and Dad's to start our family name exchange gift opening as we had many, many gifts to get through and not much time over the next several days.  We passed out the gifts and learned who ended up with our name and enjoyed watching each other open fun, thoughtful gifts.  We received gifts in honor of Millie including a beautiful memorial story book written by my mother, a memorial book from Laura and a donation to NILMDTS in Millie's honor by Mooey.  But the final gift of the night was a gift of RACK from my sister Jenny that she thoughtfully put together starting around my birthday.  

Jenny secretly sent emails and messages to family and friends (who she had access to without asking me directly) requesting participation in project RACK (Random Acts of Christmas Kindness) in honor of Millie.  While Jenny intended for me to read through each RACK privately, as soon as I read the first one and realized what it was I couldn't stop reading them all.  There were almost 50 different RACKs performed in honor of our sweet baby girl this Christmas season.  There are truly no words to describe just how meaningful and special this gift is to Heath and I.

It was so special to see the many, many different ways that Millie's life prompted others to give and in what fashion...
          ~baby food donation/food donations to local Food pantries
          ~adopting families or children in need, including babies the same age as Millie
          ~donating cookies to NICU nurses and premie clothes to NICU babies
          ~money to help a relative whose home burned down
          ~donating books in Millie's honor
          ~donating PJs for a 1 year old girl to the Kids Kloset
          ~donation to support health exams for 12 children and prenatal care throughout pregnancy, life saving medicines and supplies for kids and families in poor countries
          ~filled a diaper bag with essentials for a new mama in need and brought to a local birthing center         
          ~brought gift cards to local firefighters and police officers
          ~personally assisted an elderly lady grocery shop
          ~homemade cookies for the homeless, served at meals for homeless, blankets to homeless
          ~created a rehab program for an athlete without insurance
          ~donating breast milk to NICU babies in need
          ~surprised a foster mom with bags of toys, clothes, etc
          ~donated teddy bears for first responders to bring to children at an emergency call
          ~donations to Children's Hospital of WI, Children's Hospital of Atlanta, Caringbridge
          ~donation to support a Penny the Lab rehab dog, Children's Miracle Network therapy dog program, donation to humane society of WI
          ~toys for tots
          ~prepared baskets for families of loss through organization called Halos
          ~brought items of need to a homeless man who was grieving the loss of his entire family
          ~donation to First Candle for infant safety and in support of families of infant loss

          ~hymnal for church in Millie's honor
          ~a picture of Millie sitting on Santa's lap

I can't even begin to tell you how many little boys and girls received beautiful toys and clothes to brighten their Christmases and their entire year with the loving gifts given in Millie's honor.  Gifts that included butterflies and princesses and camo and art supplies and books which were hints specifically of Millie's family.  Families that will be able to live like a family should with the basic necessities.  All of the little ones who saved and used their own personal money to provide for others in need.  The teeny babies that will be clothed so adorably in the NICU.  A mother who will start her journey with a diaper bag full of necessities when she needs it most.   The donations to Children's hospitals and children's charities so other babies will continue receive the miraculous care that Millie was granted.  The many bellies that will be filled because of all of the donations of food and cookies.  The homeless who feel the joy of hope during the toughest time of the year.  Teddy bears to comfort children when they are frightened and their tiny worlds are turned upside down. The puppies that will bring comfort and joy to others who need it as much as we have needed it.  Donations that specifically provide medical care to kids, families and pregnant mothers in poor countries gives us hope in humanity.  Breast milk to NICU babies is liquid gold that is more valuable than any amount of money.  Donations and personally putting together comfort baskets for families of infant loss is like a giant hug to our hearts.  A precious picture of our sweet baby girl getting the chance to have her Baby's First Christmas with Santa.

These RACK gifts were all so very thoughtful...To see the ways in which our daughter has touched the hearts and lives of others.  To know how much charity was provided this Christmas that otherwise might not have been.  To know that areas meaningful in our journey have been gifted by the charity of our family and friends.  To see the love of our family and friends in action.  To feel our daughter's spirit alive within the spirit of Christmas.  

These are gifts will last in our hearts forever and ever. Thank you.

Heath and I hope that each and every one of you know just how much we treasure this incredibly meaningful gift of love.  How unwrapping each of these treasured gifts of love were slowly unwrapping pieces of sorrow and pity that were tied around our hearts this Christmas season until we were simply bursting with pure joy. Millie was ever present on our Baby's First Christmas 

xoxo

Holiday Season

Since the 2015 holiday season has begun this quote has become the theme of our lives: Life was so different this time last year...

While I became pregnant in May of 2014, I didn't start showing or feeling the baby move consistently until late September.  So my memories as a mommy-to-be of "this time last year" really started to become strong as Halloween approached.  For a parent of infant loss, holidays are the kind of days that start to foster anxiety well before the day is here because they elicit the "what should be" feelings.

Halloween of 2014 was the weekend Heath and I spent in North Carolina for our Babymoon which is the new-age term for the final vacation a couple spends together before their lives are forever changed and locked down by the responsibilities of having a baby to care for.   The irony of spending a babymoon together became extremely painful for me to relive this year. On our babymoon, I was 24 weeks pregnant, officially past the halfway point and we had seen a beautiful, healthy baby on the anatomy scan at week 20 with a worry-free follow-up ultrasound planned for week 28.

 We were blissfully and naively excited to spend this alone time together over Halloween 2014. As expected, 2015 halloween broke my heart to think back to that couple that was making plans and dreaming about our new life that was about to start as a family of 3, to be daydreaming back then about how we would spend halloween together the next year as a family, showing off our cute little baby dressed up for his or her first trick-or-treating.

 I couldn't bear to spend Halloween at home this year because I couldn't stand to open the door for happy families and perfect children being reminded every time the doorbell rang that we weren't out there walking our baby around door-to-door.  There really isn't anywhere reasonable to hide from trick-or-treating so "if you can't beat 'em, join 'em" and I decided to go along with our dear friends as their bigger kids trick-or-treated.  I managed pretty well with the support of our dear friends that have compassion for the pain holidays cause us.

Then comes November.  November is my birthday.  We spent my 32nd birthday excitedly driving home to Wisconsin last year.  I was 27 weeks pregnant and thrilled to spend time with my family celebrating our expectant baby with our first baby shower on November 22.  My mom and sisters (with the help of my aunts and cousins) threw us the most gorgeous baby shower for our baby whose gender we did not yet know.  The theme was celebrating the Prince or Princess the Kings were expecting.  It was a very long time before I could stomach looking at my baby shower pictures again.  It was too painful to relive the idea of all these people gathered in loving support of our expanding family-to-be, to review all of these precious gifts that people spent their time and money on to help us gather the supplies needed to raise a baby.  To relive the gifts that, all too much, we would never get to use with our baby-to-be.  In reliving memories of Millie, I eventually did open the folder with the babyshower pictures and was able to go through them about 2 months ago.  As expected, I found it so hard to watch my baby-to-be celebrated with so many gifts that she would never get to use, to look at the glowing smile on my face as I obliviously celebrated our future life changes.  But then I came across one picture--one single picture--that caught my breath in my throat, caused my heart to pound in my chest and tears to swell in my eyes.

This is the picture that stopped me in my tracks:

This onsie.  This soft fleece, warm onsie.  This onsie that has the moon and stars printed all over it.  This onsie that I chose to put my daughter in when her failing heart was causing her days to get long and rough.  This onsie I chose because it was so warm and cozy to comfort my sick baby girl.  This onsie I chose to put her back in after her very first bath because she was so comfortable and warm in it.

This is the onsie my daughter would be wearing when she was wrapped up cozily in her daddy's arms and took her very last breath.  This is the onsie she was wearing while I cuddled her for hours and hours more after her last breath was taken but before the funeral director came to our home.  This is the onsie our daughter was wearing when she was placed in a carseat and then carried to the hearse in our driveway by her pawpaw Jerry.  This is the onsie Heath and I would go to retrieve from the funeral home 1 week after we buried our daughter.

This is the onsie that still lies in the pack-n-play that is still set-up in our bedroom.  This is the onsie that I could bury my face in to smell my daughter's sweet scent for a few more days after it came home but now I can only look at to remember just how tiny my baby was.  This is the onsie with the moon and the stars on it that my daughter was wearing when she left this earthly world and joined her place in the heavenly sky.

perhaps they are not stars in the sky, but rather openings where our loved ones shine down to let us know they are happy --eskimo saying

I don't know who gifted us this onsie but it breaks my heart to think that there was a day when that person bought this sweet little gift for our baby-to-be and never in a million years could have predicted that this is the outfit the baby-to-be would one day pass away in.  This is why my breath caught in my throat when I came across the picture of myself smiling and holding up the stars and moons fleece onsie.  If only that girl in the picture would have known that she was holding up the onsie her daughter would take her last earthly breath in.

So this is the season we are in now--the what I didn't know 1 year ago.  The dreams and plans that I had, as that girl one year ago, are nothing like what I could have imagined for the next year celebrating this 2015 holiday season.  

December 1st was one year ago that we had the 28 week follow-up ultrasound where it was discovered that our baby's heart was enlarging.  December 12 will be 1 year ago that I was admitted to the hospital and the doctors started preparing for an early delivery.  December 13 is 1 year ago when we learned we were having a girl and named our daughter after the strongest women we know. December 16 will be 1 year ago when we learned about her vascular malformation and potential brain damage. And everyday going forward will be some sort of 1 year ago memory.   The memory of a couple that 1 year ago was catapulted into parenthood before our baby was born as we started preparing for a very different future with a baby that was known to be sick, for a baby that had to have serious decisions made about almost every single day of our last 9 weeks of pregnancy.

As we approach Christmas this year, I mostly feel numb about the holiday I have traditionally loved and cherished so much.  My Grandma Shirley is the main reason why I have always loved Christmas so much, so there is some comfort in knowing Millie gets to celebrate the birth of Jesus with our Lord and my Grandma (as well as Heath's mawmaw Alma who Heath also connects deeply with Christmas traditions).  However, I have been struggling in this season. I have felt lost figuring out how to honor the Christmas traditions that I have always loved and how to continue to incorporate our daughter whose 1st Christmas will be spent in heaven instead of in our arms.

I have been able to set out some decorations, including a stocking for our special baby girl.

Today is the morning after which St. Nick would have visited our baby girl to fill her stocking with Christmas treats.  This is a holiday I traditionally grew up celebrating with my sisters and this morning Millie's stocking is glaringly empty.  Sure I could filled her stocking with gifts that St. Nick would have brought her if she were still here but that just doesn't work for me.  

 
So I have thought long and hard about what would warm our hearts as we celebrate Christmas with our daughter in heaven and as we quickly prepare our hearts to celebrate her first birthday one short month thereafter.  

This Christmas season, it would warm our hearts if we could fill her stocking this year.  I don't necessarily want to fill it with gifts she'll never get to experience.  Instead, we would be honored to fill her stocking with letters.  Letters from you, those of you who chose to write to Millie about whatever fills your heart.  Maybe it's memories of her you hold near and dear to your heart, maybe it is things in everyday life that remind you of her, maybe it is the way she has touched your life, maybe it is something she inspired you to do differently this past year, maybe it is something you have done in honor of her.  If you feel compelled to share, we would be honored to fill Millie's stocking with letters from you.  Then as her 1st birthday and 23 days of life are celebrated and relived in our memories we will be able to further celebrate her time here on earth and how she continues to fill our hearts by reading your letters.

I will then create a scrapbook of sorts and/or compiled post to share the ways in which Millie has touched the lives of others, to show how her time here on Earth has been of purpose.

If you are interested in contributing and need our address please email me at lissawied@gmail.com.  If a letter is not your thing but you are inspired in a different way to express Millie's impact on your life then please share in whatever way moves you.

Heath and I are beyond Thankful for the gift of Millie, for becoming parents, for the love and support of so many family and friends in our lives.  We are so blessed in way too many ways to even begin to cover but love, faith and relationships are at the top of that list.

Merry Christmas to you and your family with extra blessings from heaven this holiday season

Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month

October

Pregnancy & Infant Loss Awareness Month

 It is a bittersweet time of year to have our situation highlighted around the world in order to bring awareness to a very devastating and sad statistic.  Almost everyone, everywhere is battling some sort of fight within their family. When we read about those situations and the statistics that exist we feel empathy for those people but continue to feel grateful because "that doesn't happen to my family, that just happens to others"

And I guess that's how we were.  I've heard of stillborn babies but I felt like it only really happened in generations before mine, that our constant medical advances had surely minimized this risk. Staggeringly, today 1 in 160 births in America are stillborn.  It feels like that will only happen to others but that is not a small statistic and in my journey I have learned just how many families this truly affects.

In reading books about how to encourage a healthy pregnancy the authors always reassured me that majority of women deliver perfectly healthy babies through uneventful deliveries and that I should not be bothered with worrying.  Heath and I are healthy individuals with healthy family histories so I bought into the comfort of the knowledge that hundreds of thousands of healthy babies are born every year.  Those rare occasions of sick babies only happens to others. Until we weren't that situation and our baby was indeed quite sick.  But even in the midst of our preparation for bringing a very sick baby into this world, we never imagined the possibility that we would lose her.  We had so much faith in modern medicine and it's ability to protect her and provide her with a bright future.  It wasn't until we joined this 'Bereaved Parents Society' that I learned just how real the risk of delivering a very sick baby, a terminally ill baby, is.

In my heart I believe that we were given the gift of time, of 23 days, with Millie because of modern medicine.  If it weren't for our extraordinary care I don't think Millie's illnesses would have been known and that she would have likely passed inside of me or very quickly after birth because her condition would have continued to worsen unnoticed.  I am so incredibly grateful that our daughter was not born still and that we have the memories of her first breath, of her diaper changes, of her sweet little cry, of her blinking big eyes, of her gorgeous smile, of her soft dark hair, of her warm cuddly body, of her grasping fingers, of her wriggling toes, of her outfit changes, of her warm bath, of her sleepless nights, of her last breath.

Nonetheless, pregnancy and infant loss doesn't just happen to others.  It has unfortunately affected our family twice as Millie is now playing with her second cousin, Cooper, up in heaven.  Cooper is my cousin Kristin's son, he passed away at 5 months old from SIDS 5 years ago.  Our modern medicine NEEDS to make more progress in understanding how to prevent stillbirth, prematurity, SIDS and infant and childhood illnesses.  Therefore I am grateful for the month of October as a platform to bring awareness to our community and to allow bereaved parents the opportunity to speak up about the grief they continue to live with on a daily basis.

 

Pregnancy and Infant Awareness Month is highlighted on October 15th with the Wave of Light

 

Heath and I happened to be traveling to Wisconsin during the Wave of Light so we were unable to participate by boy did our family and friends honor Millie that night. 

 Our hearts were so warmed by the outpouring of love and support
that kept coming through as we drove through the Midwest...

Even though our daughter is not physically present we still care about her and love her just as any other parent cherishes their living children.  Therefore, you just can't imagine how much it means to have our daughter grace your thoughts and for you to share that with us.

Here are some other ways Millie's memory was shared throughout the month of October...

My friend, Maria Elena Gutierrez, the mother of brilliant, Aby, lit a candle for each baby at Landon's Legacy on the night of October 15.

My friend, Tiffany Breininger, is the founder of the Queen B Project in honor of her beautiful daughter, Emma.  She has honored all of our Landon's Legacy babies, as well as other babies lost too soon, with this beautiful tribute located in Wildwood Park in Harrisburg, PA.

Another friend of mine, Emma VandenBrink, has expanded her personal blog about skin care to discuss her loss journey following her full-term, still birth loss of her precious son, Reid.  I was honored enough to be featured in the launch of the part of her blog that features stories from other parents living through pregnancy and infant loss.  Please explore her site and Sincerely, Mama to gain even more insight about the world we now live in.

My cousin, Scott, married Rosie on Oct 17 and it was here at their wedding that we were gifted with the sweetest remembrance of our daughter, as well as her great-grandparents, Paul and Shirley, and her cousin, Cooper.

Finally, Heath and I were invited over to Oxford, Alabama to an event, Light Up the Sky, by our sister-in-law, Jenine.  Here we were joined by Millie's aunt Jenine, Mawmaw Rita and Pawpaw Jerry to share her story, her life, her pictures and then release a lantern in the honor of her and all babies lost too soon.  It was a beautiful way to connect with other families experiencing the joy & pain we endure every single day.

Thank you again for always honoring our loss and never minimizing the impact that Millie Clara has in this world