Triggers, Memories and New Experiences

Triggers, Memories and New Experiences

As expected, the birth of Bodey has not been without triggers, reliving certain memories and overall new experiences.

Triggers are just plain tough to avoid.  Some are expected and some just hit you without warning.  

The day of his delivery were met with many triggers, big and small, expected and unexpected.  Since we were having another planned c-section many things about waking up, prepping for surgery and pre-op to-do's were triggers for me.  The smells of the soap, getting the IVs placed again, listening to doctors provide consent, having the spinal administered while Heath had to wait in the hall all triggered my memories of those moments with Millie. I found myself even more anxious and nervous for this delivery than I was for Millie's.  Maybe it is because I had a better idea of what to expect.  It felt like the surgery took longer than last time which I believe was due both to scar tissue that had to be addressed and the fact that he was transverse making his exit more difficult.

I found my late pregnancy swelling issues getting exponentially worse during the surgery causing my hands to swell to the point that my hands were completely numb and I worried that the spinal was going much higher up my spine than anticipated but since I could still move my fingers I knew it was just the swelling.  My nose was also swelling to the point that I couldn't breathe in the oxygen from the canula placed in my nostrils.  The increasing numbness and shortness of breath made me feel even more anxious as I waited to hear our baby cry and to know that he was okay. 

I made a point of trying to be more aware during recovery but having our baby present with us and having him latch on right away made it so much more memorable.   Spending time together immediately as a family was a very new experience for us and such a special one.  But being back on the mother-baby unit brought about so many nurses and techs with questions and tests that both acted as triggers to our last delivery but also the fact that we had to explain that this was not our first child and not my first c-section recovery.

We got to experience having our baby present in our room with us through the night which brought about new stresses for daddy since I was unable to get out of bed without the nurse's assistance.  I was also so determined to nurse since I didn't get to with Millie that I endured a lot of discomfort in order to meet his demands.  However, I learned that he wasn't getting enough milk because he wasn't latching correctly which is why it hurt so much.  The lactation nurse did an awesome job of getting us back on track but this meant pumping.  Having the hospital grade pump brought out and attached to me almost made me breakdown as this was a major trigger to the pumping I had to do to develop a supply for Millie while she was in the NICU.  It broke my heart to have to provide milk to my baby through a french syringe and/or bottle instead of from the breast as I so desperately wanted to this time around.  I knew, though, that this was a temporary situation on the road to establishing exclusive nursing so I persevered for the sake of my baby, just like I did for Millie.  But having to pump at home and still feed the baby through other means was a huge trigger to the way we had to manage Millie's feedings once she came home.

 We ended up being lucky enough to leave the hospital within 2 days instead of the typical 3 days for c-section recovery.  I was ready to get out of dodge but unexpectedly being wheeled out of the hospital with my baby sitting in the car seat on my lap had me working extra hard to hold back the ugly cries.  The last time I was wheeled out of the hospital was in a hasty rush around 11:30pm and empty handed after watching our daughter being loaded into the Angel Care incubator for her transfer to the downtown Children's hospital.  We headed straight downtown when we left the hospital last time but this time we got to drive our precious baby boy straight home.  The emotions were heavy as I rode in the back watching our son sleep soundly in the same car seat I watched his sister sleep in during her ride home from the hospital.

It was very comforting to be home with our baby boy and getting to do so many things that we got to do with Millie like change diapers and dress in adorable little outfits, sleep with them right next to our bed, hang out outside together and give them their sponge bath.

There are so many new and different things that we have gotten to do with Bodey that we never got to do with Millie too though.  We have gone to the pediatrician's office, out shopping, out for quick meals and out to friend's houses.  We have gotten to rock on the front porch and use the baby carriers to go for walks and use the stroller to walk up Kennesaw Mountain.  While there are so many parenting experiences we get to have with Bodey that we didn't get to have with Millie, there is no doubt that we feel like established parents because of our first born daughter.

Unfortunately, other triggers have included my post-op visit where we returned to the OB's office to have my staples removed.  With Millie this appointment occurred immediately after our meeting with Millie's doctors where we learned that her condition was terminal.  Going to my doctor's visit and having to deliver that brand new information to my OB was heart-breaking as it hadn't really set-in for us just yet.  So going back for this doctor's visit with Bodey in tow, I cradled him close to my chest out of comfort for my broken heart that never got to do this with Millie.

While we had learned that Millie's condition was terminal on her 1 week birthday, we spent the morning of Bodey's 1 week birthday going to a specialist to have his circumcision evaluated.  The pediatric urologist was located in an area of Atlanta where we had to go see specialists for Millie prior to her birth.  While it was stressful to have to see a specialist for our brand new son, I reminded Heath that whatever news we learned about Bodey's condition it would be so very manageable in comparison to learning Millie's tragic news from her doctors on her first week birthday.  Luckily, we learned that Bodey's condition should heal without issue and again we count our blessings that our son is thriving, strong and totally healthy. 

In three days Bodey will have been on earth and in our arms for 23 days.  Twenty-three days was all the time we were granted with Millie.  In many ways these 3 weeks with Bodey has felt like so long and like we have gotten to do so much with him already and yet with know there are so many, many more memories to be made with him.  It will be a new road for us and one that we very much look forward to.  There is so much comfort in seeing how much Bodey resembles Millie, making it feel like she is always present with us through him.