Surviving

Surviving Our Loss of Millie Moo

I just wanted to take a moment to let all of our wonderful family and friends know that Heath and I are surviving.

This has obviously been one of the single most challenging experiences in our entire lives.  There are many, many things that have helped us to cope though and here is a sample of the things we have relied on:

• our daily devotional book that we received as a gift the day Millie was born.  The daily devotionals have specifically paralleled the trials and tribulations we have experienced each day since she was born.  This has helped us tremendously to be able to take each day one day at a time and look to God for support.  While it's easy to feel mad at Him and feel confused by His will we ultimately understand that He has a plan for us and for sweet Millie.  We continue to thank Him for each moment He let us spend with her.
• our understanding of the medical world.  We had originally thought that knowing about Millie's condition in advance meant that the medical world was going to be able to save her from severe outcomes.  After learning that she was so much more sick than expected and beyond the healing capabilities of medical doctors, we realized that learning about her condition in advanced saved us from severe suffering when we learned that her time on Earth would be short.  What I mean is that we didn't spend our days in numerous medical tests, searching for solutions and being unable to accept her fate.  Instead we immediately went into enjoying every single moment gifted to us with her. 
• our knowledge that she is an Angel. At some point early in her short life, Heath and I realized that Millie was an angel placed here on Earth to spread love throughout our family, friends and perfect strangers both near and far.  Never in my life have I experienced so much love as what surrounded this sweet baby girl.  She was the most perfect little baby despite having severe medical complications.  She brought so much peace and love to this world during her short 23 days here and from that Heath and I draw an absolute Peace and Love. 
• she was going to be sick.  Because we knew before her birth that she would be sick, Heath and I grieved her "normal" upbringing long before she was born.  We were always hopeful and praying for her healing but we knew she wasn't going to walk, talk or play like most kids do.  We knew we weren't going to get to take her home right away.  We knew her life would be very medically involved.  So when we learned that she was terminally sick we didn't spend time mourning 'what would have been' because we had already mourned that loss while we were still pregnant.  Again this allowed us to spend our time appreciating her instead of mourning our future losses.
• she is placed next to family.  Heath and I feel absolute comfort in knowing that she is placed next to her great-grandfather and great-grandmother King.  She is in the cemetery at the church where Heath was baptized.  She is minutes from Heath's parents where family can visit her often.  Heath and I have already visited her twice since she was placed on February 23rd.  We are also comforted by the very sweet words that Heath's aunt Jane spoke about Millie at her burial.  The prayers and her location of burial have brought us and will continue to bring us a wonderful sense of peace.
• friends and family that have reached out to us.  So many, many people in our lives have reached out to us in so many generous ways.  From calls and texts and facebook messages to gifts of food, books, windchimes, pictures, jewelry, flowers, etc.  From prayers to cards to time spent together.  People have reached out in whichever way feels right to them and that brings us joy in knowing we are loved and cared for. 
• the pictures, videos and mementos that are Millie Clara.  We have tens of thousands of pictures of little Millie Moo thanks to all of those that loved on her and for her absolute patience with being doted on!  We were lucky enough to have a professional photographer come to the hospital and another come to the house to take the most precious pictures of our sweet baby girl.  These professional pictures were provided to us through the Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep foundation and for that we are so very thankful.  It brings such a smile to our faces to see these beautiful pictures.  We also have numerous videos of Millie where we get to relive her little baby movements and cute noises.  And then there are all her little mementos, her clothes and blankets that she used where we can still smell her sweet scent.  These can occasionally make us feel sad but mostly they only make us feel really happy and loved for having spent time with her.
• the unending love of our puppy, Coalie.  This sweet little dog helps us every single day to feel joy.  Coalie snuggles so close that she is practically in our laps.  She spends every moment of every day close to us and helping us  to heal.  We pour all of our love into Coalie and she returns that love to us ten-fold. She senses the loss of Millie in our home and she provides ultimate comfort to us by her awareness of this loss.  She is helping to heal our hearts just by being her. 
• the strength of our marriage.  Heath and I have always made communication a priority in our marriage and this has helped to carry us through the most devastating experiences in our lives.  Every day from the moment we learned we were pregnant we have spent time communicating.  Communicating about our worry over the viability of our pregnancy early on, to the joy in celebrating her during baby showers, to the sadness and mourning when we learned she was sick.  We have prayed together and continue to do so as we navigate this new period in our relationship together.  We are continuing to turn towards each other instead of apart.  While we have so much support around us, we have no greater support than in each other and for that we are grateful. 

There are certainly moments of tremendous pain and even jealousy at times.  Moments where would should be carrying a baby in a car seat with us or pushing a baby in a stroller with us.  Moments where it shouldn't be so easy to go grab a bite to eat because we should be dealing with a new baby's sleep/eat schedule.  Moments where we wonder why other friends got to bring home a healthy baby but we didn't.  Moments where we get mad having to make decisions like how to plan a funeral or what to put on a headstone.  Moments where we shouldn't be able to take a trip because we should have a brand new baby to care for.  But we quickly recognize that we can't dwell in these sadnesses and we can't stop living our lives even though we are without a giant piece of our hearts. 

We love and miss Millie Clara so very much.  We find comfort in continuing to talk about her and celebrate all that she has brought to us.  We appreciate every single person in our lives that has reached out to us and made us feel so wrapped in love. 

To all of you that care about us, please know that we are surviving despite our tremendous loss...